Monday, September 29, 2008

Now the questions in my head are different ones

I don't get boys. Not at all. How can they love you, but not want to be with you? How can you be their favorite person, but at the same time be stressed about being with you? How can they look into your eyes, and then less than a week later say I can't?

I'm officially a single girl again. Broken hearted and a bit beat up too. Confused beyond all question too.

And I can't stop from tearing up. I think I'll skip falling in love again. It never ends well, it seems, well, at least for me.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Another day, another city

How time seems to be jetting by. This schedule is keeping me properly insane. And I feel like I've not had time to write and keep up with the happenings going on in my life.

So, here it is... updates...

First off, knitting. My sock is coming along.

Slowly but surely. There are mistakes in it. But just in stitches. Like I didn't line up the herringbones from the ankle portion to the foot portion. Luckily they are in a dark color, and you can't really tell at all. I love the yarn. And I love how it is fitting so far. I don't think I'll ever be able to do a knee sock, as I get so bored and just want to put the heel in NOW. So, lucky for me, I'm a fan of short socks.

It was great to have my couple of days with Crash. It turned out that the thoughts of a 24 hour bus ride to get to Denver from Seattle prompted him to join me for the couple of days and fly out. We relaxed, we wandered, and we had a great time. Definitely a much needed break. But Counting Crows were such a disappointment. I was so looking forward to seeing their show, but they really didn't do their songs any justice at all.

I did decide to stay where I am and not take the lighting gig that was offered to me. I just knew that the chance of being away for Christmas was too much for me. I'm happy with my decision. I am a bit skeptical about what comes next for me though. This tour has been extended once again, we have dates for November and December now. (luckily the day after Thanksgiving gig is close enough to home for me to spend the holiday with my family thought). I have doubts whether or not I'll still be where I am though. I've been having lots of doubts about life lately. Not quite sure why though. I really do want to get back to lighting and hope that I will have the chance to do so. But missing someone as much as I do miss C, its hard to be out here on the road. Both of us have discussed how much longer we want to be out here and apart and not knowing when we'll see each other again. I started thinking about moving to Chicago and looking at apartment options. It looks like I'll be able to afford something nice... we still have to get into the whole discussion of me moving, and living arrangements, which have been really weighing heavy on my mind lately. Need to start having that discussion. Do we live together? Do we get separate places and then spend every night together, effectively wasting money?

I have this general feeling of apprehension these past few days. Am I doing my job well enough that they'll want to keep me on? (we did lose one of our chef's for this leg cause he wasn't cutting it... what if they want to lose me?) Will I get the chance to be a lighting tech again? (obviously, I do believe that I will... but I'm just impatient for it to happen) When do I move or do I even move? (thats a huge discussion that needs to happen)

A lot of stuff is fueled by the missing of Crash after feeling so completely at home for the days we were together. I hate this feeling like a huge piece is missing when he isn't here. Part of it is fueled by the fact that my dad lost his job on Monday. I know its going to be so hard on my parents. And now I'm fearful that my job won't last.

And I'm stuck out here in a hotel outside Sacramento with no where to go to, which really sucks. I hate being stuck alone and with my thoughts. Especially on days like today, when my head is lost with my far away love and his head is lost in his thoughts.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

up and down, back and forth

At the moment, I'm in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Its kind of pretty up here. The trees are all turning yellow and there is fall in the air. I do need to pick up a fall coat though, as the mornings are decidedly chilly. Of course, I'll be in California before the month is over, and the weather will most likely warm up when I get there. So we'll see.

Its been a crazy few days. The show in Portland wasn't cancelled, and now it is cancelled. But it will cost almost 300 dollars to fly Crash to his next show in Denver, and he just had to have a route canal. So, although we may only be a few hours apart, and both have several days off, we might not get to see each other. Which is driving me crazy. I found a way to get myself to him without spending a fortune on a rental car. But finding a cheap plane fare is crazy right now. Even southwest wants $266 before taxes and fees. And he just had to have a root canal, which sucked up his discretionary cash.

In other news, I got a job offer to go back to lighting today. But it leaves me very conflicted. I was offered a position on the Radio City Christmas Spectacular tour. The problem is that I need to decide by tomorrow, leave this tour in a week, and then not get to celebrate Christmas with my family or Crash. My immediate reaction to getting the job offer was to burst into sobs. Not a good sign. It just doesn't feel like the right choice for me right now. But I'm scared that not taking it will ruin my chances of getting another tour in the future. It seems like neither answer is the right one. So, its a matter of choosing the one that is less wrong. I wish someone would just tell me what to choose. I have til Friday morning to make the choice. But at the moment I am leaning to staying where I am.

I am completely drained from all the brick walls I feel like I have run into today. And the several real obstacles I ran into over the last few days (a ice cooler closed on my head leaving a bruise beside my left eye, I stood up into a wooden box while making coffee, and I hit my head on the tv on the bus as I tried to stand up to leave today).

My sock has a heel and the start of an instep. My coworkers want me to teach them to knit. I'm still trying to figure a final pattern for Crash's scarf. Thats all the knitting news I have to offer. Hope everyone is well.

Friday, September 12, 2008

A bit lonely

I flew back to work yesterday. It was a bit odd getting on a plane on September 11th. Especially flying out of Boston... where two of the planes had originated. The day passed uneventfully and left me deposited in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada (or the middle of nowhere, essentially).

Its odd being back. It was a very low key day, where we only served a late breakfast and a lunch. A good way to ease back into things. It was a bit of an overdose to go from being home alone during the days, to surrounded by my coworkers. I had to leave the bar last night after eating as I was getting overwhelmed by so many conversations. And tonight, I'm feeling a bit lonely, and at the same time have no desire to be around anyone. I think it stems from being tired and transitioning back to work from vacation.

That and the wondering if a show is being canceled in ten days or not. If it is cancelled, I can see Crash for two days. There are rumors that it is being cancelled, but nothing has been decided yet. If it is off, we end up in the same city, and I can see his show and spend a day and a half with him, including sleeping in his arms for two nights. If it isn't, I have to wait til November 2nd to see him. Being away from him is harder than I ever imagined it could be. Especially tonight, as nothing would be as wonderful as a long hug and being wrapped in his arms and watching a movie and falling asleep. I'm trying to not get too excited about it or be too pessimistic about it either. Its hard to keep a level amount of reality, when you want something as simple as a hug so desperately. Cross your fingers, say a prayer... waiting two months for a hug just seems so impossible!

I've made some progress on the blanket. I put together some squares and realized I need to get 10 of each color. I've got 4 beige completed and 1.5 green (I'll have two done before the end of the night). So, I'm 1/4 of the way there! I want to have the pair of socks I'm working on done by Thanksgiving time. My sister in law has a rule of no shoes in the house, and what better time to show off a pair of hand knitted socks? So, thats the goal. I also picked up the fall Interweave (I'm a bit behind on picking it up) but there are so many things in there that I want to complete. When will I ever find the time?

Monday, September 8, 2008

Sunny Days...

I spent today in Newport, RI. I woke up this morning feeling down in the dumps, despite the cloudless sky outside my windows and the perfect temperature. I knew that if I sat around the house I would dwell all day on how much I missed Crash and how I wished we were in the same place. So, I grabbed my camera and headed about an hour south of my patents place to Newport, where the summer cottages of the 1920s are now considered mansions (well, they were always considered mansions, the rich just counted them as cottages cause they were the summer escapes from the city. So even though they have 8 bedrooms and ballrooms inside, they still thought of them as cottages.). I parked at a beach and got a chance to let my toes play in the water... and then I took a walk along part of the cliff walk, which skirts the area between the drop to the ocean and the cottages. It was a perfect day for strolling along and I got the chance to take some fun pictures.

After wandering there for a bit, I headed back to my car and moved to the downtown shopping area. I strolled through a few touristy shops, picked up some gelato and a cookie, and then made my way home. Definitely kept me from dwelling too much on missing Crash and wondering when we can next be together. (Luckily we are both going through this pain, and feel the same way... going crazy without access to hugs and being silly with each other and holding onto each other while we sleep).

The weekend was great, although a bit rainy. The driving on Saturday got a bit much, especially because I did three hours of driving in the rain. But we had a great dinner, and had a great time catching up. Sunday I hit a yarn store in Boston, that left me feeling very unimpressed. It couldn't hold a candle to some of the other shops I've been in. Bre did find some yarn she liked though, and now I've yet another project on the burners, as I promised to turn it into a scarf for her. I really do need to pick up my needles and get working. I've so many projects to accomplish, and I've been so less than motivated to even work on anything in over a week. As tv should be decent tonight, I think I'll cast on and get something done while I watch.

I head back out on tour as of Thursday. Part of me is looking forward to being back, part of me is just wishing that vacation would continue along. That mentality won't help me get out of debt and get a house though....

Friday, September 5, 2008

Back and counting down again...

I'm back from 4 of the best days off ever. We relaxed, we cuddled, we slept in, we did every day things but they never got boring, I met the parents and the mentors, we bonded and now we return to missing each other.

The big event of the week was meeting mom and dad. I loved Dad, but couldn't get a reading off mom. I learned a lot more about where he came from and how he grew up in the world. And fell more in love with him over the course of the few days. We shared stories of our pasts and the controlling relationships we had both experienced. We shared our fears. We learned how to talk more and more openly. We acted like an old married couple with him cleaning one room while I cleaned another (I am so in charge of emptying the fridge from now on though - there was luncheon meat in one of the drawers that he had bought before we meet... in MAY!). I am counting down the days til more days like these. Although, I have no idea when those days will be here. It might not be til Thanksgiving time. :(

Tomorrow my friend Bre arrives from NYC to spend a weekend in Boston. We're going to galavant around the city and avoid the raindrops that are promised to fall on us. And hopefully avoid any strong gusts of wind at the same time. She's never been to Boston, and its been quite a while since we had any length of time to spend together. And as we spent almost every day together for a month while we suffered through unemployment in the city, it will be nice to have some quality time to catch up and act like the crazies we are.

I've no knitting progress to report. I had no motivation to pick up my needles on the plane, so my projects lay dormant. I did come up with the idea of a pattern I want to use in Crash's scarf though. I'm thinking a half and half pattern with a cable pattern in the middle mixing the colors a bit (grey and black). Now to just get the yarn wound and get started. Oh, and find a good cable pattern.

Happy weekend everyone... Hope no one gets blown away or flooded out by Hannah.