Next stop, the cold north

I head back to tour tomorrow. And by back to tour, I mean I head to North Dakota. North Dakota is cold. I mean really cold right now. Its supposed to be in the high 20's tomorrow. And the high teens the following day. UGH. I don't think I have clothes warm enough for this. Especially since I lost my hat just a day after I made it. I hope whoever found it needed it more than I did.

This break has been a crazy one. I feel like I still need another week of rest. I think I tried to do too much, and it call collapsed in on me.

The time with Crash was good, but trying. I feel so comfortable with him, that I let all of my guards down and ended up becoming quite the emotional basket case while we were together. I found myself being clingy, needy and overly emotional. We ended up having a long conversation about this behavior and how damaged I am finding myself. I spent too much time in emotional abusive situations... where guys I was dating criticized my looks and killed myself confidence and where I allowed myself to be used and taken for granted. Allowing people to take advantage of my nature has been a long standing fault I have. I realized following my talk with Crash that this has been going on since high school. I want people to like me, and allow myself to be a doormat to those guys who I am attracted to. It is something I need to work on, cause for the first time I have a guy who loves me, who doesn't want to see that happen. Who wants me to live my life fully and completely, yet share a life with him. Its a huge issue I need to work on, but to know I have someone to stand with me, and help me work through it is great.

It's hard to be dealing with this issue coming back to the surface right now. I want to avoid going back to work, where I am also allowing myself to be taken advantage of. Perhaps in a different way... but I don't stand up for myself and demand things like breaks and the chance to sit down during a work day (which results in a very over tired and stressed out me, and other medical issues, including the deterioration of the knee I injured years ago). Also, I need to start seriously thinking of what is coming next for me in life. Where I am going to live? Work? Do? I have so many questions and so few answers. I think I need to be not on the road so constantly. I want to have a spot where I can cook dinner and curl up and knit and be able to have a knitting circle or reading group.

Its going to be a long few months... surviving the last 6 weeks of this tour, working on me and getting the real me out of her shell again, figuring out where I'm going and what I'm going to do when I get there, and not imploding or exploding.