I'm having a bit of a down day. I slept for 9 hours, but feel as tired as I did when I went to bed last night. I think being back here at my parents house for too long depresses me. It brings back anxieties about what I think I should be doing, not matter how hard I try to fight them. I start to feel that I'm 30, I shouldn't have to live at my parents place. I should have a place of my own, I should be married, I should have kids, I should, I should, I should.
I know I have to banish these shoulds, but somehow, when I come back here they all surface. I'm not looking forward to being back here come the end of tour. And I know this depressed state I'm in is causing stress on my relationship. I know that I want to be married, but I also know that now is not the time for that. But voicing my concern about I want it, drives something into my relationship with Crash. He says he's been thinking. His thinking scares me. Cause it seems when he thinks, we self combust for a few days. Something draws us back together, but I still have this fear that I can't let go of right now that he'll run away again. That isn't healthy for a relationship. We talked a bit this morning, but he still says there is more he wants to discuss with me. After my breakdown the other night, he said he got a bit depressed and sad cause I can't just trust and believe that God has me on the right path. I worry and question. i always have. I'm working on learning to trust and believe and have faith, but it is also hard.
In the past I would have just gone, now I question more. Especially when it comes to this move. I didn't question my move to Vegas, i didn't question my move to NYC. But for some reason, I keep questioning this move to Chicago even though an affordable apartment has been handed to me on a platter. Why is that, I wonder?
I need to find a state of peace with all that is going on. I need to let go of fear... fear of my relationship being wrong, fear of my wants being wrong, fear of making a mistake, of being in the wrong place, of doing the wrong thing. Now if only I knew how to do that. Anyone have any ideas?
Saturday, December 27, 2008
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2 comments:
I'm very sympathetic. And it's true that being home brings one back to a more insecure state...even if, maybe especially if, one's parents are caring and loving. You may well feel much better when you take the leap!
I guess the main thing is to try and resist the oogly "shoulds." But that's the hardest thing of all. Just remember you're still so young! I'm nine years older than you, and most of my friends waited until their mid-to-late 30s to marry and have babies. It's nice to think that ladies can do that now! I was pretty young when I married, but I had to insist on it! As in, I said, "okay, we're getting married now!" haha. Kudos to him for not turning tail and running for the hills. He was a bit skeptical. I hate to say it, but I think that's just what men are like...
Sorry to go on and on here, but I felt compelled!!!!
All my best to you and you're such an admirable adventuress--maybe setting down your own roots is your next big adventure!
There is one person that wants you to doubt to question your own judgement ignore his shadow keep listening to joyce meyers and keep moving forward you will do great:)Hugs Darcy
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