One giant nervous breakdown mess

I've been a mess today. After a last minute scramble to get my application in yesterday to try and get all paperwork finalized by tomorrow, I woke up today feeling hung over - tired, cranky, achy, etc. Despite the fact I haven't had a drink in over a week - and I haven't had more than one drink in a sitting in over four. It sucked. I was anxious and nervous and doubting and wondering and all sorts of other emotions I'm not sure I can even put a finger on. I've been cold to the bone all day and shake at various intervals.

I sent off my application fees though. And continued to stress. I tried to knit and become absorbed, but I couldn't.

And then I talked to my future job. And the job is great. Its perfect for me right now. But it pays very little. Its a job, so I'm not complaining. It was just less than I imagined it would be (only by 2 dollars an hour), and that sent me off the edge, as I was already in the fragile state of freaking over the apartment and how much it costs to live. With a couple of calculations, this slightly lower salary plummets me into the range of you will need a second job to survive territory.

I'm afraid I can't afford the apartment along with my other bills. It will be a close call on whether all the bills can be paid on a base salary, and I won't be able to have luxuries like internet or tv (and my tv will stop working in June with that whole digital conversion thing). Or the fancy kind of foods I like. So now, I'm sitting here hoping that they tell me "I'm sorry, we can't approve your application" and aside of that, I'm debating losing $250 for the application fee and telling them I can't afford it and its stressing me out. I'm trying to focus that right now, its all in God's hands, and if they approve me, then it was meant to be. But secretly hoping that they won't approve me when they learn of my low salary. Yet, thinking that is giving me remarkable peace about things. And I'm thinking of emailing the other people (that I called and said sorry I had found something else to yesterday) to see if they'll still consider letting me take over their place if they get their mortgage approved. Even if that means I'm out the $250 from applying for this one, and even though its only $50 cheaper. The little difference can make a huge difference in these times.

ARGH. For once, I'd like something to go smoothly. And easily. And without hassle. But this move is apparently meant to teach me a whole lot and test me even more. I sure hope that the good things I know are coming are coming soon.