What a difference a day makes

Today is looking so much better than yesterday was. Yesterday was definitely one of the worst bouts of anxiety and fear I've had in a long time.

It turns out that I wasn't approved for the apartment with my salary, but they are willing to work with me to bring the price lower and into a range I would be able to afford. They really want to get this place filled apparently. I'm meeting someone on Monday to take a look at it and see it in person before I make a decision.

Also, the friend from the original apartment happened to mention my situation to her realtor, and the realtor happens to own a space that is currently empty and is willing to let me stay there temporarily so I don't have to impose on anyone while I figure out where I'm going and what I'm doing. (unfortunately the space is bigger than what I need, and priced out of my budget, so it won't work as a future living option).

So, I have a job, and a temporary place to stay. The rest of the pieces will come together.

I'm packing up stuff and getting ready to load the car. Tomorrow I start my drive westward. I'll get to Niagara Falls and crash there tomorrow night. And hopefully there won't be too much rain and I am able to enjoy the falls and that area. I'm angling to arrive in Chicago around noon on Monday. And then we'll see what comes next.

One giant nervous breakdown mess

I've been a mess today. After a last minute scramble to get my application in yesterday to try and get all paperwork finalized by tomorrow, I woke up today feeling hung over - tired, cranky, achy, etc. Despite the fact I haven't had a drink in over a week - and I haven't had more than one drink in a sitting in over four. It sucked. I was anxious and nervous and doubting and wondering and all sorts of other emotions I'm not sure I can even put a finger on. I've been cold to the bone all day and shake at various intervals.

I sent off my application fees though. And continued to stress. I tried to knit and become absorbed, but I couldn't.

And then I talked to my future job. And the job is great. Its perfect for me right now. But it pays very little. Its a job, so I'm not complaining. It was just less than I imagined it would be (only by 2 dollars an hour), and that sent me off the edge, as I was already in the fragile state of freaking over the apartment and how much it costs to live. With a couple of calculations, this slightly lower salary plummets me into the range of you will need a second job to survive territory.

I'm afraid I can't afford the apartment along with my other bills. It will be a close call on whether all the bills can be paid on a base salary, and I won't be able to have luxuries like internet or tv (and my tv will stop working in June with that whole digital conversion thing). Or the fancy kind of foods I like. So now, I'm sitting here hoping that they tell me "I'm sorry, we can't approve your application" and aside of that, I'm debating losing $250 for the application fee and telling them I can't afford it and its stressing me out. I'm trying to focus that right now, its all in God's hands, and if they approve me, then it was meant to be. But secretly hoping that they won't approve me when they learn of my low salary. Yet, thinking that is giving me remarkable peace about things. And I'm thinking of emailing the other people (that I called and said sorry I had found something else to yesterday) to see if they'll still consider letting me take over their place if they get their mortgage approved. Even if that means I'm out the $250 from applying for this one, and even though its only $50 cheaper. The little difference can make a huge difference in these times.

ARGH. For once, I'd like something to go smoothly. And easily. And without hassle. But this move is apparently meant to teach me a whole lot and test me even more. I sure hope that the good things I know are coming are coming soon.

Small Successes?

Today held some small successes in the apartment search. I have a lead on what my very possibly be my future home. It took four phone calls and three emails before I was able to get someone to get back to me, but I found a place that fits most of my requirements. Its a little bit more than I had hoped to spend on rent, but I think I'll be able to make it work out.

I also am waiting to hear back from a broker who was recommended by my advisor at school on another possible place. Which is steps from the lake, and a bit cheaper. Either way, I think I'm on the way to being sure to have a place to live next week when I get to Chicago.

I can't believe its next week that I need to be out there. Two months ago when I got home from tour, this seemed so very far away, and then continued to get further and further away as time passed. I'm excited and nervous. This is really the first completely new start I've gotten. Yeah, I started over in NYC last year, but it wasn't completely on my own. I never ventured out on my own, but allowed myself to depend on Ds apartment. We won't dwell on the bad side of that decision though. This time, the place will be mine, the bills will be mine, the adventure will be mine. I'm sad that I don't have someone to share it all with (and still miss C and his presence in my life) but I'm excited to see what this path holds for me.

Hopefully tomorrow I can get all this apartment stuff nailed down. I dread the conversation I'll have to have with the original apartment when I don't go with her place. But I can't just sit here and wait and see. I've put my life on hold enough for that situation. I do feel mildly guilty for leaving her in a lurch of having to find a last minute replacement for me if her mortgage comes through for the end of the month. But her situation has caused me a whole lot of stress... and anxiety... and frustration...

So cross your fingers for things falling into place tomorrow. I want to be able to enjoy my drive without worrying about where I'm going to be going when I get there. Oh, and know when that drive is going to be taking place.

Advice to Landlords

I've been a bit one note lately here.  I hate feeling so obsessed by this, but I feel so on hold trying to figure out how I am going to be in Chicago by Saturday.  I know that this too will pass, and that I need to hang in there (Thanks for still reading and saying that, cause just knowing that people are crossing fingers or saying prayers and sending out the positive thinking does make a difference.  And makes me smile).  

And now, in an effort to make you laugh...  some humor from the ads I've seen while searching.  

When advertising your apartments, there are some pitfalls you should avoid.  I've read through lots of ads in the past few weeks, and some have made me laugh out loud.  Some things that are mentioned in ads include:

* Unit comes with securable doors.  (If I'm renting the place, the door damn well better lock!)

* Windows stay with unit (You mean you aren't going to take them with you and leave gaping holes in the walls???)

* Vintage bathroom (Just how old does a bathroom have to be to be considered vintage?  Is it an out house?  A chamber pot?  Or just last remodeled circa 1970?)

* Don't paint anything these colors.  I don't think those colors should ever be used in any sort of decorating.  EVER.  

and in yet another, "Robin," the building manager is very helpful in your day to day activities.  Don't you just wonder what services she provides?  ;-)

 

Also, don't try to sell me the apartment that cost $1000 if I call to ask about the one that is only $800 a month.  Obviously, if I could afford $1000 I would be looking in that price range, as the difference between apartments is HUGE, and I'd go for the nicer, pricier place if I could in any way possible make it work.  Also, don't think I might want a studio that costs more than some one bedrooms I've been looking at just because its in my price range.

Ok, it just started snowing here.  We just grilled out for the first time this spring, the thermometer was reading almost 50 degrees, and then we turned around and there are huge snowflakes flying.  What is up with that?

I'm back to working on the blanket.  Its coming along quite nicely.  I'm about halfway there.  And I seem to be knitting quicker the more I knit.  And it is so much more fun than apartment searching!  

Stressed

Anyone want to join me in either running away to a tropical island or hiding under a big giant rock?  

I spent my day going over craigslist postings for apartments in Chicago.  I emailed a few places...  talked to one.  But it wasn't one that was like OH MY, I NEED TO LIVE THERE!  So, I didn't jump at it.  It was further north than I hope to be.  And I couldn't tell if I loved it from the photos.  There was one I did really love when I saw the photos on craigslist, but when they sent me more photos of the actual unit I'd be getting, it just wasn't all that great.  Combined with the fact that it was a first floor unit, which I would like to avoid at all costs.  But this searching has left me utterly drained.  I don't know where to look more.  I don't know what I'm even looking at any more.  I have a week to figure this all out.  Which is stressing me out.  I'm at that I just don't want to play anymore point.  You know?

Reminders

Things I was reminded of over the course of today...

* I've posted 200 entries here.  (well, that one I just noticed as I signed in to post this...  but that's a lot of writing and venting and sharing.)

* Staying up past 2 am is not in my best interest.

* Midafternoon naps are great, until the phone rings and wakes you up.  And it isn't even your phone that's doing the ringing.

* I must make sure to drink lots of water every day.  It really does make a difference for me and my attitude.

* Cooking makes me happy.

* Somedays I just don't want to talk to anyone.  Even my parents, which when I'm here can leave me feeling slightly guilty, as somedays mom wants to question all sorts of little trivial things, and I just can't muster the ability to talk.  

* I need to get out into the world and take more pictures.  Its a hobby I really enjoy and want to develop more.

* I really want the apartment I am waiting for.  I don't want to search for another one.  Searching today left me wanting to throw my computer across the room, which isn't an answer, as then I'll have no home and a broken machine.  

* Sometimes, having pretty underthings really can make a difference.

ACK!

I've been in a very disgruntled mood all day.  I just feel so discouraged by the lack of a place to move and the uncertainty that is my immediate future.  

I did hear from the people moving out today, and it turns out, the mortgage company turned them down.  With the statement, we'll be willing to give you a mortgage in about 2-3 months, when the husband of the couple has been working for at least six months.  My immediate thought is that this broker is of the old school sexist nation.  They have a meeting in the morning with another broker, and it already sounds more promising.  So, maybe I'll still get my place...  Although not on the time table I was hoping for.  

I got the delivery delay notification today from the email I sent yesterday about the other apartment I thought might be a good option/substitute...  It seems when I copied and pasted the email address, I managed to leave off the m on the .com.  Now is it a sign?  Should I resend?  

I'm so torn over what I'm doing about this living situation.  None of the pictures compares to what I saw already.  I know none of the neighborhoods.  I don't know if I should wait and see or suck it up and find another place from afar.  I feel so tossed all over the place.

It has been such a crazy two months of life.  Deciding to move, applying to and getting accepted to school, ending a relationship (although still not what I wish had happened there), mom getting sick, having surgery, getting more bad news, and starting chemo (tomorrow that starts), getting put on hold about the apartment, not knowing what to do...  Can someone just tell me what I'm supposed to do?  Please?  

I did remind myself that I'm not a retail therapy person though today.  I can't shop when I'm sad/depressed/bummed out.  I went to look for a new pair of sneakers, and walked in two stores, and found nothing.  I guess that is a good thing...