Days in LA

I've been in LA all week. I'm so not a fan of this city. There is something that just turned me off the first time I visited here. A gut reaction to the city. That its not for me.

I have managed to make the best of my days here. I caught up with an old college friend for dinner on Monday night. It was great to reconnect after 8 years of not having really spoken and not having seen each other. It was as comfortable as it was in those early days of college. Oddly enough, she nursed me through the days following my first heartbreak as an 18 year old girl. The heartbreak was different this time around, but the comfort was the same.

Today I caught up with KM, who has become a friend through this world of blogging. We were paired up months ago for the Hot Cocoa Swap, and have kept in touch with comments and emails. And finally met face to face today. It was like meeting an old friend. We chatted, we knitted at a cafe, and I survived driving in LA, something I said I would never do. (I also hit her recommended yarn store here and picked up yarn for a version of this sweater. I'm going to take the cable out of the front and just have it around the neck area.)

I'm slowly dealing with this issue of Crash. We've emailed a few times. He can't handle the relationship because he is stressed by being so far away from me, and caring so much about me. I don't understand that. I get such joy from the little things, counting down the days til we are together again, planning ahead to the vacation we were going to take, the incredible feeling of love I got when ever I read a text that said I love you or I miss you, our cute little sayings. I only wish he could relax and enjoy our love, rather than stress and worry about it.

I read this today and it hit me that I have to let go of it. And just be here and enjoy my life. And trust that even though I want this, perhaps it isn't the right thing, or its just not the right time. I truly hope its not the right time... but also accept that perhaps its not the right thing. Only time will tell, and I just have to trust in God and wait and see where life takes me and us. I want to think that this is unfinished, that I will get another chance. There were so many connections and chemistry that we had, and I can't believe that those aren't real and that he could want to run away from something so great. It is really hard to let go and let God. I want to change things, want to yell and scream and shake him and make him see. But I can only control me. So I'm going to keep living, and see where this road I'm on is going. And maybe he'll come to his senses.

And now I am going to curl up in bed. My alarm will go off at 5 am for another long day of work. Oh the fun, the joy.