BOO!

Happy Halloween!

We are winding down to the end of this leg of my tour. Only two cities remain on the list. I'm off to St. Louis, MO in just a few hours, and then from there Green Bay, WI. I kind of feel like that Johny Cash song that they use in the Holiday Inn Commercials. I've covered the country coast to coast yet again.

Yesterday we did a big of decorating for Halloween...
and I carved a family of pumpkins. Finally added some fun to my work day. I apparently have a skill at carving, as I did all four jack-o-lanterns in less than an hour. Its a misfit family though, of leaning and slanted and oddly shaped pumpkins. The attitudes were easier to deal with too, which was nice. I have another two months of dealing with them... well, only 5 or 6 weeks of actually being on the road, but its still time of dealing with the being the odd person out and dealing with the attitudes of my boss, as there is no chance to switch to lighting at this point.

It is time to start thinking of what comes next though. Where am I living? Where will I be working? Who will I be working for? Where will I be going? Ack! Too many questions!

I get to see Crash for a night this weekend. Our schedules overlap and we are both in St. Louis on Sunday night. And in the same hotel, so we don't have to search too far to find each other. It doesn't seem real that I will get to see him. Its been 5 weeks now since we spent time together, the longest we've gone since we met without being in the same place. Things have been really good the past few days... he's making steps to get over his fears of being loved and we'll see where we end up. The first week of my break allows us 6 days of being together, and I'm definitely looking forward to that time.

I'm aiming to finish up the scarf I'm working on in the next few days. With a 2 plus hour flight today and another to get back to Boston, I should be finished before I get home for break. Next up to finish is the sock (and then cast on for the second sock and finish that... I'll need to do some mad knitting so I have those done for my Thanksgiving deadline. Then there is the scarf for Crash's Christmas present scarf to cast on, and the baby blanket which still needs 6 brown squares and 7 green squares to be made. And then I have to sew the pieces together. And I'd like to make a hat that actually fits me. Oye, so many projects! And I'd like to get started (and finished) on a sweater or two so they are finished before the warm weather is back.

Have fun with your costumes and trick or treating. I've not costume this year... but maybe the afternoon will turn one up.

I still live...

For those of you who may be wondering, I am still alive out here in the crazy world I live in. Barely, but I am.

I've removed my stitches (yes, I removed them myself), and my thumb healed up nicely. The scar isn't even going to be too bad. It is still slightly painful when I put pressure on it, but I'm hoping there is no permanent damage.

Work continues to be long and stressful. The hours are horrible and I fear making mistakes and getting yelled at. Its even gotten to the point of having bad dreams the nights before I work. I wake up in a cold sweat and anxious for the following day. I can't wait for it to be two weeks from now and on break. I am hoping that I can make the transition to the lighting team, as one of their guys is being pulled back to the shop, but I'm not sure that will happen. I need to email the shop and make sure my name is on their radar, yet I am scared of doing that they'll offer me something else that I might have to turn down... Its a tough place to be in, having one job but wanting another, when they are both contract positions that could end at any time.

Crash and I continue to talk and see what happens. We talk as much as before, but no longer profess our love for each other. We've talked about slowing things down and making sure we have a strong foundation so that we have a successful and strong relationship. We miss each other terribly, and he continues to make me smile. I did have a huge fight with a friend over the situation though. She became angry with me because I continue to want him in my life. She attacked me personally for continuing to talk to him and not walking away. There is something there though, and I can't just give up on him and us just yet. It feels like the right thing for me, and that is what I have to go with. And I hope I'm not wrong.

I've been working on a scarf that a friend asked me to make for her.
Its been interesting, as I'm knitting it lengthwise, which leaves me with about 275 stitches on my needles. I'm working the one row scarf, yet I keep making mistakes along the way, so I guess its just a random pattern at this point. I'm hoping I have enough stitches on the needles and it ends up long enough after I block it out. The yarn she chose isn't my favorite, and I thought frogging it would destroy the integrity, so we'll see...

I spent today at the Florida Aquarium, which was a perfect way to spend a day off. It was nice to wander around in the silence and watch the fish swim around. Many of them were a bit camera shy, but I did manage to get off several good shots. But they had no penguins. Which are among my favorites.


After that, I spend the day sitting outside with my book, enjoying the wind in my face and the water being beside me. And then had dinner with a good friend... one of the few I've managed to find out here on this tour.

I'll try to post again before I leave the world of free internet... I feel so far behind and like I might have missed half of the catching up I wanted to do. But now its time for sleep... How sad that I go to bed at 9 am...

does anyone have any good news for me?

As KM put it the other day, my life is a country song.

Unfortunately, it seems to get sadder as the days go by. Crash and I have been texting and talking like normal. We just don't say i love you, and don't say I miss you as often. It is good to talk to him. But alas, both of us have been to the doctors in the past two days. He has bronchitis and I have 8 stitches in my thumb. I told him this morning that he needs to just accept us, cause obviously when he doesn't, we have issues. (the last time we split, he ended up in the hospital with a hole in his intestines.) I'm not counting on anything, just going day by day and talking. Who knows what will happen. My mom was funny, she told me the other day that she didn't think things were actually over when I told her about our split. So, we'll see if mom is right or not. I mentioned that I had spent a few hours sitting on the beach in San Diego and how I wished there was more time to do so, and Crash responded that we still had our vacation to look forward to. So we'll see how things work out. Day by day, moment by moment...

I also got news that a person I had been friends with while I lived in Vegas was killed over the weekend. It was 2 weeks short of his 22nd birthday. He was found with his ATV on top of him somewhere in the desert outside of Vegas. So sad that someone so young is gone from this world. He always had a smile and a good hug.

And then last night I was rushing to dry dishes at the end of the day cause the dish washers were so far behind. In my rush I ended up dragging the blade of a steak knife across my thumb, and required 8 stitches. I can't use my thumb... And am in fairly extreme pain. Its quite difficult to do the most ordinary tasks... like using a spoon. Or pressing the space bar as I try to type. And I don't even want to think about how it will affect my ability to knit. Or do all of my job.

anyone got a good joke or a happy story to share?

Days in LA

I've been in LA all week. I'm so not a fan of this city. There is something that just turned me off the first time I visited here. A gut reaction to the city. That its not for me.

I have managed to make the best of my days here. I caught up with an old college friend for dinner on Monday night. It was great to reconnect after 8 years of not having really spoken and not having seen each other. It was as comfortable as it was in those early days of college. Oddly enough, she nursed me through the days following my first heartbreak as an 18 year old girl. The heartbreak was different this time around, but the comfort was the same.

Today I caught up with KM, who has become a friend through this world of blogging. We were paired up months ago for the Hot Cocoa Swap, and have kept in touch with comments and emails. And finally met face to face today. It was like meeting an old friend. We chatted, we knitted at a cafe, and I survived driving in LA, something I said I would never do. (I also hit her recommended yarn store here and picked up yarn for a version of this sweater. I'm going to take the cable out of the front and just have it around the neck area.)

I'm slowly dealing with this issue of Crash. We've emailed a few times. He can't handle the relationship because he is stressed by being so far away from me, and caring so much about me. I don't understand that. I get such joy from the little things, counting down the days til we are together again, planning ahead to the vacation we were going to take, the incredible feeling of love I got when ever I read a text that said I love you or I miss you, our cute little sayings. I only wish he could relax and enjoy our love, rather than stress and worry about it.

I read this today and it hit me that I have to let go of it. And just be here and enjoy my life. And trust that even though I want this, perhaps it isn't the right thing, or its just not the right time. I truly hope its not the right time... but also accept that perhaps its not the right thing. Only time will tell, and I just have to trust in God and wait and see where life takes me and us. I want to think that this is unfinished, that I will get another chance. There were so many connections and chemistry that we had, and I can't believe that those aren't real and that he could want to run away from something so great. It is really hard to let go and let God. I want to change things, want to yell and scream and shake him and make him see. But I can only control me. So I'm going to keep living, and see where this road I'm on is going. And maybe he'll come to his senses.

And now I am going to curl up in bed. My alarm will go off at 5 am for another long day of work. Oh the fun, the joy.

Now the questions in my head are different ones

I don't get boys. Not at all. How can they love you, but not want to be with you? How can you be their favorite person, but at the same time be stressed about being with you? How can they look into your eyes, and then less than a week later say I can't?

I'm officially a single girl again. Broken hearted and a bit beat up too. Confused beyond all question too.

And I can't stop from tearing up. I think I'll skip falling in love again. It never ends well, it seems, well, at least for me.

Another day, another city

How time seems to be jetting by. This schedule is keeping me properly insane. And I feel like I've not had time to write and keep up with the happenings going on in my life.

So, here it is... updates...

First off, knitting. My sock is coming along.

Slowly but surely. There are mistakes in it. But just in stitches. Like I didn't line up the herringbones from the ankle portion to the foot portion. Luckily they are in a dark color, and you can't really tell at all. I love the yarn. And I love how it is fitting so far. I don't think I'll ever be able to do a knee sock, as I get so bored and just want to put the heel in NOW. So, lucky for me, I'm a fan of short socks.

It was great to have my couple of days with Crash. It turned out that the thoughts of a 24 hour bus ride to get to Denver from Seattle prompted him to join me for the couple of days and fly out. We relaxed, we wandered, and we had a great time. Definitely a much needed break. But Counting Crows were such a disappointment. I was so looking forward to seeing their show, but they really didn't do their songs any justice at all.

I did decide to stay where I am and not take the lighting gig that was offered to me. I just knew that the chance of being away for Christmas was too much for me. I'm happy with my decision. I am a bit skeptical about what comes next for me though. This tour has been extended once again, we have dates for November and December now. (luckily the day after Thanksgiving gig is close enough to home for me to spend the holiday with my family thought). I have doubts whether or not I'll still be where I am though. I've been having lots of doubts about life lately. Not quite sure why though. I really do want to get back to lighting and hope that I will have the chance to do so. But missing someone as much as I do miss C, its hard to be out here on the road. Both of us have discussed how much longer we want to be out here and apart and not knowing when we'll see each other again. I started thinking about moving to Chicago and looking at apartment options. It looks like I'll be able to afford something nice... we still have to get into the whole discussion of me moving, and living arrangements, which have been really weighing heavy on my mind lately. Need to start having that discussion. Do we live together? Do we get separate places and then spend every night together, effectively wasting money?

I have this general feeling of apprehension these past few days. Am I doing my job well enough that they'll want to keep me on? (we did lose one of our chef's for this leg cause he wasn't cutting it... what if they want to lose me?) Will I get the chance to be a lighting tech again? (obviously, I do believe that I will... but I'm just impatient for it to happen) When do I move or do I even move? (thats a huge discussion that needs to happen)

A lot of stuff is fueled by the missing of Crash after feeling so completely at home for the days we were together. I hate this feeling like a huge piece is missing when he isn't here. Part of it is fueled by the fact that my dad lost his job on Monday. I know its going to be so hard on my parents. And now I'm fearful that my job won't last.

And I'm stuck out here in a hotel outside Sacramento with no where to go to, which really sucks. I hate being stuck alone and with my thoughts. Especially on days like today, when my head is lost with my far away love and his head is lost in his thoughts.

up and down, back and forth

At the moment, I'm in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Its kind of pretty up here. The trees are all turning yellow and there is fall in the air. I do need to pick up a fall coat though, as the mornings are decidedly chilly. Of course, I'll be in California before the month is over, and the weather will most likely warm up when I get there. So we'll see.

Its been a crazy few days. The show in Portland wasn't cancelled, and now it is cancelled. But it will cost almost 300 dollars to fly Crash to his next show in Denver, and he just had to have a route canal. So, although we may only be a few hours apart, and both have several days off, we might not get to see each other. Which is driving me crazy. I found a way to get myself to him without spending a fortune on a rental car. But finding a cheap plane fare is crazy right now. Even southwest wants $266 before taxes and fees. And he just had to have a root canal, which sucked up his discretionary cash.

In other news, I got a job offer to go back to lighting today. But it leaves me very conflicted. I was offered a position on the Radio City Christmas Spectacular tour. The problem is that I need to decide by tomorrow, leave this tour in a week, and then not get to celebrate Christmas with my family or Crash. My immediate reaction to getting the job offer was to burst into sobs. Not a good sign. It just doesn't feel like the right choice for me right now. But I'm scared that not taking it will ruin my chances of getting another tour in the future. It seems like neither answer is the right one. So, its a matter of choosing the one that is less wrong. I wish someone would just tell me what to choose. I have til Friday morning to make the choice. But at the moment I am leaning to staying where I am.

I am completely drained from all the brick walls I feel like I have run into today. And the several real obstacles I ran into over the last few days (a ice cooler closed on my head leaving a bruise beside my left eye, I stood up into a wooden box while making coffee, and I hit my head on the tv on the bus as I tried to stand up to leave today).

My sock has a heel and the start of an instep. My coworkers want me to teach them to knit. I'm still trying to figure a final pattern for Crash's scarf. Thats all the knitting news I have to offer. Hope everyone is well.