Friday, October 31, 2008


Happy Halloween!

We are winding down to the end of this leg of my tour. Only two cities remain on the list. I'm off to St. Louis, MO in just a few hours, and then from there Green Bay, WI. I kind of feel like that Johny Cash song that they use in the Holiday Inn Commercials. I've covered the country coast to coast yet again.

Yesterday we did a big of decorating for Halloween...
and I carved a family of pumpkins. Finally added some fun to my work day. I apparently have a skill at carving, as I did all four jack-o-lanterns in less than an hour. Its a misfit family though, of leaning and slanted and oddly shaped pumpkins. The attitudes were easier to deal with too, which was nice. I have another two months of dealing with them... well, only 5 or 6 weeks of actually being on the road, but its still time of dealing with the being the odd person out and dealing with the attitudes of my boss, as there is no chance to switch to lighting at this point.

It is time to start thinking of what comes next though. Where am I living? Where will I be working? Who will I be working for? Where will I be going? Ack! Too many questions!

I get to see Crash for a night this weekend. Our schedules overlap and we are both in St. Louis on Sunday night. And in the same hotel, so we don't have to search too far to find each other. It doesn't seem real that I will get to see him. Its been 5 weeks now since we spent time together, the longest we've gone since we met without being in the same place. Things have been really good the past few days... he's making steps to get over his fears of being loved and we'll see where we end up. The first week of my break allows us 6 days of being together, and I'm definitely looking forward to that time.

I'm aiming to finish up the scarf I'm working on in the next few days. With a 2 plus hour flight today and another to get back to Boston, I should be finished before I get home for break. Next up to finish is the sock (and then cast on for the second sock and finish that... I'll need to do some mad knitting so I have those done for my Thanksgiving deadline. Then there is the scarf for Crash's Christmas present scarf to cast on, and the baby blanket which still needs 6 brown squares and 7 green squares to be made. And then I have to sew the pieces together. And I'd like to make a hat that actually fits me. Oye, so many projects! And I'd like to get started (and finished) on a sweater or two so they are finished before the warm weather is back.

Have fun with your costumes and trick or treating. I've not costume this year... but maybe the afternoon will turn one up.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

I still live...

For those of you who may be wondering, I am still alive out here in the crazy world I live in. Barely, but I am.

I've removed my stitches (yes, I removed them myself), and my thumb healed up nicely. The scar isn't even going to be too bad. It is still slightly painful when I put pressure on it, but I'm hoping there is no permanent damage.

Work continues to be long and stressful. The hours are horrible and I fear making mistakes and getting yelled at. Its even gotten to the point of having bad dreams the nights before I work. I wake up in a cold sweat and anxious for the following day. I can't wait for it to be two weeks from now and on break. I am hoping that I can make the transition to the lighting team, as one of their guys is being pulled back to the shop, but I'm not sure that will happen. I need to email the shop and make sure my name is on their radar, yet I am scared of doing that they'll offer me something else that I might have to turn down... Its a tough place to be in, having one job but wanting another, when they are both contract positions that could end at any time.

Crash and I continue to talk and see what happens. We talk as much as before, but no longer profess our love for each other. We've talked about slowing things down and making sure we have a strong foundation so that we have a successful and strong relationship. We miss each other terribly, and he continues to make me smile. I did have a huge fight with a friend over the situation though. She became angry with me because I continue to want him in my life. She attacked me personally for continuing to talk to him and not walking away. There is something there though, and I can't just give up on him and us just yet. It feels like the right thing for me, and that is what I have to go with. And I hope I'm not wrong.

I've been working on a scarf that a friend asked me to make for her.
Its been interesting, as I'm knitting it lengthwise, which leaves me with about 275 stitches on my needles. I'm working the one row scarf, yet I keep making mistakes along the way, so I guess its just a random pattern at this point. I'm hoping I have enough stitches on the needles and it ends up long enough after I block it out. The yarn she chose isn't my favorite, and I thought frogging it would destroy the integrity, so we'll see...

I spent today at the Florida Aquarium, which was a perfect way to spend a day off. It was nice to wander around in the silence and watch the fish swim around. Many of them were a bit camera shy, but I did manage to get off several good shots. But they had no penguins. Which are among my favorites.

After that, I spend the day sitting outside with my book, enjoying the wind in my face and the water being beside me. And then had dinner with a good friend... one of the few I've managed to find out here on this tour.

I'll try to post again before I leave the world of free internet... I feel so far behind and like I might have missed half of the catching up I wanted to do. But now its time for sleep... How sad that I go to bed at 9 am...

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

does anyone have any good news for me?

As KM put it the other day, my life is a country song.

Unfortunately, it seems to get sadder as the days go by. Crash and I have been texting and talking like normal. We just don't say i love you, and don't say I miss you as often. It is good to talk to him. But alas, both of us have been to the doctors in the past two days. He has bronchitis and I have 8 stitches in my thumb. I told him this morning that he needs to just accept us, cause obviously when he doesn't, we have issues. (the last time we split, he ended up in the hospital with a hole in his intestines.) I'm not counting on anything, just going day by day and talking. Who knows what will happen. My mom was funny, she told me the other day that she didn't think things were actually over when I told her about our split. So, we'll see if mom is right or not. I mentioned that I had spent a few hours sitting on the beach in San Diego and how I wished there was more time to do so, and Crash responded that we still had our vacation to look forward to. So we'll see how things work out. Day by day, moment by moment...

I also got news that a person I had been friends with while I lived in Vegas was killed over the weekend. It was 2 weeks short of his 22nd birthday. He was found with his ATV on top of him somewhere in the desert outside of Vegas. So sad that someone so young is gone from this world. He always had a smile and a good hug.

And then last night I was rushing to dry dishes at the end of the day cause the dish washers were so far behind. In my rush I ended up dragging the blade of a steak knife across my thumb, and required 8 stitches. I can't use my thumb... And am in fairly extreme pain. Its quite difficult to do the most ordinary tasks... like using a spoon. Or pressing the space bar as I try to type. And I don't even want to think about how it will affect my ability to knit. Or do all of my job.

anyone got a good joke or a happy story to share?

Friday, October 3, 2008

Days in LA

I've been in LA all week. I'm so not a fan of this city. There is something that just turned me off the first time I visited here. A gut reaction to the city. That its not for me.

I have managed to make the best of my days here. I caught up with an old college friend for dinner on Monday night. It was great to reconnect after 8 years of not having really spoken and not having seen each other. It was as comfortable as it was in those early days of college. Oddly enough, she nursed me through the days following my first heartbreak as an 18 year old girl. The heartbreak was different this time around, but the comfort was the same.

Today I caught up with KM, who has become a friend through this world of blogging. We were paired up months ago for the Hot Cocoa Swap, and have kept in touch with comments and emails. And finally met face to face today. It was like meeting an old friend. We chatted, we knitted at a cafe, and I survived driving in LA, something I said I would never do. (I also hit her recommended yarn store here and picked up yarn for a version of this sweater. I'm going to take the cable out of the front and just have it around the neck area.)

I'm slowly dealing with this issue of Crash. We've emailed a few times. He can't handle the relationship because he is stressed by being so far away from me, and caring so much about me. I don't understand that. I get such joy from the little things, counting down the days til we are together again, planning ahead to the vacation we were going to take, the incredible feeling of love I got when ever I read a text that said I love you or I miss you, our cute little sayings. I only wish he could relax and enjoy our love, rather than stress and worry about it.

I read this today and it hit me that I have to let go of it. And just be here and enjoy my life. And trust that even though I want this, perhaps it isn't the right thing, or its just not the right time. I truly hope its not the right time... but also accept that perhaps its not the right thing. Only time will tell, and I just have to trust in God and wait and see where life takes me and us. I want to think that this is unfinished, that I will get another chance. There were so many connections and chemistry that we had, and I can't believe that those aren't real and that he could want to run away from something so great. It is really hard to let go and let God. I want to change things, want to yell and scream and shake him and make him see. But I can only control me. So I'm going to keep living, and see where this road I'm on is going. And maybe he'll come to his senses.

And now I am going to curl up in bed. My alarm will go off at 5 am for another long day of work. Oh the fun, the joy.