Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Fly Day, tomorrow

I'm off to Dallas tomorrow. Maybe I'll be better about keeping up with my posting from there. I feel so disconnected from the blog world these days. I think its a symptom of the slight depression I'm suffering from when I am at home. The loss of interest in things that you enjoy part. Its bugging me, and I want to get back to a regular posting schedule. I think it helps me to have the release, the place to vent my feelings out. I need that right now, as I don't have the support system of real life people to vent to. Especially where I'm off to work in Dallas, with a group of guys, none of whom I'm overly friendly with.

I had a decent weekend in Chicago. I ventured out to the beach to meet up with some people I know. It was great to sit in the sun, but I have the oddest sunburn on my back. I learned that you can't adequately cover your back with sunscreen by yourself, even when using those new continuous spray bottles of SPF. I missed some odd shaped areas. Luckily, I didn't stay out too long, and it wasn't too painful of a sunburn. I followed that up with a trip to the - which is a huge event here in the city. It was an ok time... perhaps had I had some of my fellow chefs with me, it might have been better. I had two decent samples, fried raviolis - how can you go wrong, and crispy noodle shrimp - another hard to mess up option. But my third sample was not even passably edible. They seemed to be selling lots, so I risked it and went for the unusual at the Latin restaurant, and tried the banana pork dumpling. Bad mistake. Not a good combo at all. I don't know why I thought it would be - perhaps, I hoped for more of a plantain chip with a flavorful pork on top. But it didn't even come close to that. It was overly fried and just bad. I tossed it.

Other than a night of slight panic and inappropriately over thinking, things have been ok. I do so hate how I can so easily overthink things that really shouldn't bother me all that much. Things in the last days have been easy with C... we've chatted casually and without awkwardness. And then there was a strange situation when I left for home today from the office, and I worked myself up to his lack of stopping to say goodbye to me was more than it ever could possibly be. I something that probably didn't mean a thing into a huge thing in my head. I need to find a way to just relax about what our relationship is and let it be whatever it needs to be. I can't hold on too tight, or force it to be something that it might never be.

And now for sleep, as the flight is early tomorrow. And more to come from the fun of Dallas.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The Big D

They say everything is bigger in Texas... And that only steers and queers come from Texas. Well, I'm off to find out. I'll be spending the next month of my life in Dallas, TX. I'll be working a large convention there, one that includes a pink cadillac.

I'm up in the air about my feelings on this. I'm excited about a month of work at show rate (more than double shop rate for me). But, I'm a rock and roll girl, and I'm not sure how I feel about the switch to the corporate side of things. I'm hoping its just for the month, and then I'll be off and onto the world of the tour and a different city every day. I'm going with it and trying to just enjoy that I was asked and they want me on something. Which is a good feeling, after my frustrations last week of wondering why I wasn't getting work when so many people who seemed less competent than I were heading off on tours. Its disheartening when crew chiefs hand you plots to set up their rigs over the people who are actually heading out of town with them. Or its a nod of respect and will hopefully translate to more work later. Can't quite figure out where I want to go on that one.

I'm having moments of guilt tonight connected to all of this though. I was invited to the corporate dinner this evening (one similar to the one I cooked for weeks ago), but this time as a guest. I now understand why they were so excited by my food. I feel slightly guilty that I complimented the other chef, as I didn't really enjoy her food all that much. It was bland and lacked excitement and flavor. It was good, but simple and unexciting. I told her I had enjoyed it, but in reality, it was no where near the quality I'd expect from someone who has been cooking as long as she has been. I'm not sure why I feel guilty about telling her it was good food. It was good food, it just wasn't spectacular food.

I hate when I overthink things...

And now off to lounge in front of the fan and lament the fact that I have no air conditioning. Stay cool, stay dry...

Monday, June 22, 2009

Overtime on Monday?

Its going to be a long week. As it started off with overtime hours on Monday. After putting in long days on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday of last week. I won't complain, because I need the money, and there is no looming tour for me just yet, but I know by the time the weekend gets here, I'll be exhausted.

I feel like I run all week and then when it gets to Saturday, I'm so beyond drained, I can't muster the energy to do much of anything, and waste the day laying on my couch and failing to nap. This week was because it was too darn hot to nap. We went from crazy storms on Friday, where it downpoured and created horrid travel conditions, to over 90 degrees and sunny with naught a cloud in the sky on Saturday. Of course, Sunday so the return of the dreary weather. I'm so beyond sick of rain and am really hoping that the sun that arrived today sticks around for a bit.

Because of the feeling of running all week, I feel a bit beat up by life. The touch of depression that I deal with certainly seems to peak its head out on those Saturdays. It makes it hard to motivate myself to get out and enjoy the new home I have here. I really wish I had someone to explore with, but alas, I've not found a partner for that. I do fine during the week, because I have the tasks of work to keep me company, as well as the coworkers to either annoy me or entertain me, depending on the day. But Saturdays just seem to be my least favorite days of the week lately. They loom long and dull. But I survive, and start it all over again. Work has kept me insanely busy. There are so many shows heading out of the shop... all of them without me though. I'm the one they turn to help put them all together, I get constantly asked are you going out with this or with that? But nothing yet. I'm keeping the mindset that something is coming for me, and that I'll end up on the tour that I'm best suited for. I'm slightly bitter that I don't get to go work the Bon Jovi one off on Thursday, as I do have such a love for their show and it is the reason I realized I needed to get the job I have now. But, not much I can do about changing management's minds and sending me instead of others. Except to work harder and hopefully get on the next one. :)

And now, after my dinner of toaster waffles, and a few moments to catch you all up on the fact that my life is just plain crazy and unexciting, I'm off to sleep. So I can do it all again tomorrow. Yay?

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Does it have to be Monday already?

Another weekend is over and done with. Its been a tiring one. Yesterday was mostly rain and depression feelings for me. I was exhausted and didn't feel much like doing anything. I didn't leave the apartment once. I lounged on the couch and tried to read and tried to knit and tried to focus on a movie. None of it successful. A very blah day, if I do say so.

Perhaps it was because of how crazy my week was? At one point I was responsible for pulling together the gear for four different shows at the shop, why trying to help another one get prepped and out the door. I also had my nutrition final (which i bombed, but managed to get an A for the quarter... I think it had to do with my perfect scores on the papers, which I don't think she actually read.... cause there is no way I wrote two perfect papers... but I'm not about to complain). I then I finished the week off with an amazing dinner at the restaurant our Chef created and used to own. It was a thoroughly amazing meal, with some great conversation. I must recommend pork belly to you if you ever get to a restaurant that serves it. It was a succulent and tender meat that melted in your month. Alas, the desserts disappointed me. Good thing I had eaten enough food before we got to that course.

So, after my day of being down and blah yesterday, I went to be by 9 pm. I slept well, and woke to a bright and sunny day. I ventured off to the city, where I hit an art fair. There was lots to look at and admire, but nothing came close to being anywhere near my price point. And seeing as that was the case, my afternoon came to an end before I had though it would. I did stroll a bit along the river, before heading home to do a few errands. And now the night is drawing to a close, its almost time for bed, and another week will begin.

I have my last class for the quarter tomorrow, finishing up Soups, Stocks and Sauces. It will be nice to have a break until the fall. And not have the harried running I've been used to. I've still no word on a tour though. I'm hoping something comes up, for the doubling of the salary would be so very ncie.

Hope your weekends were relaxing and full of sun.

Monday, June 8, 2009

New Releases

I had thought I'd go see Up this weekend, but the theater closest to me was only showing it in 3D, which makes me all sorts of motion sick. (I think it has something to do with my horrid vision, which I found out got worse this week... through an emergency visit to the eye doc on Wednesday when I manages to drop a contact out of my eye at work... that was a bad way to start the day, but it did get the annual check up out of the way with... ). I did get to see The Hangover tonight though. A friend was going and invited me along. It was cheesy and stupid, but I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. I certainly never got in that much trouble in my three years of living in Vegas... I wonder if tourists really do get that adventurous when they are in Sin City??

The part that struck me though, was the previews for what is coming soon. Violence, horror and more violence. Violence by adults, by prisoners, by children even. I saw nothing I have even the remotest desire to see. It was appalling to me that all the movies that are coming soon are of this sort. Are we as a culture really that entertained by violence? Do we accept it as such a part of culture now that we seek to be entertained by it? By murder? By destruction? By darkness? What a sad state the US is in if we seek this as our source of entertainment. Where is the uplifting? The happiness? The values? The good new movies?

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Luck had it that I didn't strain all the muscles I thought I had yesterday at work. And I turned today into a very low key, but productive day.

I started my morning with fresh donuts at the farmers market, where I picked up strawberries and rhubarb, and some spring onions and asparagus. Its a smallish market, but had a decent selection of items. The lettuces looked amazing, but I have a Costco pack of lettuce in my fridge, so in an effort to eat what I have, I skipped those. I turned the onions and asparagus into a lovely risotto for dinner this evening. A bit of roasting on the asparagus gave it a great flavor. And turned the strawberries and rhubarb into a crisp for dessert. Its hard to decide on desserts to make when you live by yourself. I'd love a pie, but one person a whole pie can not eat. Ok, so yeh, I could eat a whole pie... but I'd hate myself and my hips in the morning.

I'm making some progress on my sizzle sweater. But I think I may have to frog it all. I'm working my way up the back, but the yarn has so much stretch, I think it may turn out to be huge on me. Judging by the model in the pattern photo, I choose to make a small, but I'm thinking I should have gone with an xs. Maybe I'll toss in a few extra decrease rows and get down to the number for an xs as I work up the back. It felt so nice to sit around a knit today... its been too long since I had time for the simple indulgences.

And I have another day of free time tomorrow! I don't know how I'll feel after two days off with no plans... I haven't had that since i got here to Chicago!

Friday, June 5, 2009

What a week...

After my weekend of being buried in paper hell, I followed it up with a very long week. Work was work, and no more busy than any other week. I did a lot of show prep, which was fun for a change, and got me away from two very negative coworkers that have been getting on my nerves in the service room. One who has decided to not like me, and get all snarky with on several occasions. Like reminding me of pieces of my job that need to be done when she has no idea how to do my job. My job is the same whether I fix a light in room A or room B, and you couldn't fix one if your life depended on it, so don't assume I'm going to not do something because I'm in another room. The downside to show prep is that I'm going to be very sore tomorrow. I lifting things that weight 75 pounds or so today. By myself. I coiled cables, hundreds and hundred of feet worth of cables. I'm hoping my forearms don't suffer too much, as I'd like to knit tomorrow.

The rough part of the week were the thoughts in my head. I got very much into the thoughts of the one things I seem to want in life (marriage and kids) and not having it. I was feeling very lonely and I fixated on the things that are missing from my life, rather than all the things i do have. It took a reminder that I have so many things going for me - school, job, people fighting over me at said job (apparently everyone wants me to work on their teams these days), the chance to professionally cook for people, health, an apartment in the city that I really do love, etc. So much that I thought I had planned out for this year never panned out - some in good ways, as I'm glad I didn't get my original Chicago apartment, as I realize now I'd hate the drive - and some in ways that have yet to be determined - C, mainly (I'm worried about him, and how deeply he takes things lately. Its hard to see someone hate their job so much, when just a year ago he had so much passion for it, and taught me so much about it.). My head went to the deep black hole of feeling so alone, and like I'd never get what I wanted and would always be alone. Its a deep and scary place there, and I cried, A LOT. I'm no closer to figuring out why I'm alone, but I'm trying to trust the plan that is my life. Its damn hard to let go of desires and wants though. And I haven't quite figured out how to do it.

On the good news front, mom had a second PET scan, following up the final dose of chemo. And it came back clear. So, now she's onto the next round of surgery and then that will be followed up by radiation therapy.

More posts to come later this weekend. I'm hoping to hit up the local farmers market tomorrow. I hear they have great donuts :). And get some knitting done. And laundry... And maybe, a trip to Loopy...