Sunday, December 28, 2008

Back to work...

Tomorrow I fly to Fresno, California. I will spend a few days there, hit Vegas, Bakersfield, CA, Ontario, CA (thats California and not Canada...) and then Portland, OR. And then I am done. No more job. No more long days of serving people breakfast, lunch and dinner. No more boss that makes my life miserable. No more early mornings for a while.

I'm not ready to go back. I want days and days more of sleep. I want some of those days to include Crash. I want nothing more than to have some time to cuddle and be held. And laugh with him... we haven't been laughing much and I need more of that in my life right now. But both of us are stressed. That makes it hard to laugh, and makes it hard for us to thrive. Huh... I just realized that. Hopefully that will alleviate some of the stress we are having. I forgot how important laughing is.

I finished reading a book that had a great impact on me. I Dare You, by Joyce Meyer. I stumbled on one of her speaking programs sometime this fall, and have been reading some of her writings and listening to some of her broadcasts and ministries ever since. This book spoke to me in so many ways. I felt like she was describing the thoughts in my mind in so many of her passages. It definitely helped me through a lot of yesterday. Combined with talking a bit with Crash, crying a whole lot, and praying a whole lot. I am learning how to relax and let go and not be fearful. I think its going to be a long road, but I'm ready for the journey.

I am not however, ready to awake early for a long day of traveling to California.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Having a bad day...

I'm having a bit of a down day. I slept for 9 hours, but feel as tired as I did when I went to bed last night. I think being back here at my parents house for too long depresses me. It brings back anxieties about what I think I should be doing, not matter how hard I try to fight them. I start to feel that I'm 30, I shouldn't have to live at my parents place. I should have a place of my own, I should be married, I should have kids, I should, I should, I should.

I know I have to banish these shoulds, but somehow, when I come back here they all surface. I'm not looking forward to being back here come the end of tour. And I know this depressed state I'm in is causing stress on my relationship. I know that I want to be married, but I also know that now is not the time for that. But voicing my concern about I want it, drives something into my relationship with Crash. He says he's been thinking. His thinking scares me. Cause it seems when he thinks, we self combust for a few days. Something draws us back together, but I still have this fear that I can't let go of right now that he'll run away again. That isn't healthy for a relationship. We talked a bit this morning, but he still says there is more he wants to discuss with me. After my breakdown the other night, he said he got a bit depressed and sad cause I can't just trust and believe that God has me on the right path. I worry and question. i always have. I'm working on learning to trust and believe and have faith, but it is also hard.

In the past I would have just gone, now I question more. Especially when it comes to this move. I didn't question my move to Vegas, i didn't question my move to NYC. But for some reason, I keep questioning this move to Chicago even though an affordable apartment has been handed to me on a platter. Why is that, I wonder?

I need to find a state of peace with all that is going on. I need to let go of fear... fear of my relationship being wrong, fear of my wants being wrong, fear of making a mistake, of being in the wrong place, of doing the wrong thing. Now if only I knew how to do that. Anyone have any ideas?

Friday, December 26, 2008

Five Courses, all a success

Happy day after Christmas. I hope no one else decided to brave the mall like I did. I got the call to come pick up my computer, which is partially fixed, and spent just under an hour in the mall. I then spent over an hour trying to exit the parking garage.

Yesterdays feast was quite a success. Everything came out just as I had hoped it would and was enjoyed by the family. Recipes were requested as well, which is always a good sign. My brother survived the change in menu, and actually went back for seconds. The cheesecake was rich and creamy. The tenderloin was perfectly cooked. The only issue was the complaints when I apparently sliced the cheesecake in pieces that were too large. No one but my family would complain because I am giving them too much cheesecake.

I did have a mini breakdown last night though. Its been a tough month with missing Crash and not being able to spend the holiday with him, or to know when we will next be able to spend time together. Combined with my anxieties about moving and next steps in life, in my state of exhaustion last night, I collapsed and was awake at 3 am, second guessing everything (and crying on the phone with him). I keep listening to Crash talk about trusting God's plan for life, and then I start questioning is the planning I'm doing my plan or God's plan? Am I planning this move to Chicago because its God's plan or because its what I want to do? I guess the only real way to find out is to do it and see what happens. The opportunity to have an apartment there seems to have fallen in my lap, so there is that door that has been opened for me. Perhaps I just need to think less, and just go with it. At least that's what Crash kept saying last night...

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Christmas Cooking (and trama)

One of the things I most look forward to at Christmas time is all the cooking I get to do. Today started my kitchen adventures. I made thumbprint cookies and ginger kringles. I made chinese pork dumplings. Then I made dinner of lemon chicken and manchego risotto. And then I finished up the evening with my first batch of homemade pasta, which I turned into raviolis. Tomorrow brings cheesecake and pasta sauce, and then the big day of Christmas will be the beef tenderloin roast with sides (preceeded by the raviolis and an antipasto and followed by the cheesecake). It has been a busy day.

It has also been a bit tramatizing of a week. In my attempts to get my shopping done yesterday, I was in a car accident. I walked away, but my car limped (well, it was towed). I'm waiting to hear about how bad the damage is, hopefully I'll just have to pay the deductible and she'll be fixed when I get home from tour. I was pulling out of a parking lot, and due to the driving skills of an old lady, I didn't see the young girl coming along much too quickly on her inside and pulled out. Had the girl swerved the other way, I'd like to think she wouldn't have hit me at all, but instead she swerved into the direction I was heading, and hit my drivers front tire and door with quite a bit of force. I could barely exit my car, and certainly couldn't get back in. And her car had no visible damage at all. So, I am now at the mercy of my parents chauffering me around utnil I get my car back, as I didn't get rental coverage on my insurance policy.

All my shopping is now done though, and the only thing that remains is to wrap things up. We'll celebrate Hanukah on Christmas Eve and exchange presents then. And Christmas morning will bring bundles of things under the tree. And my tasty meal! (cross your fingers my ravioli don't explode when they go into the boiling water....)

Saturday, December 20, 2008

This crazy life I lead...

I am finally home for my Christmas break. It was quite the travel day, starting with my departure from the hotel in Salt Lake City at 5:20 AM. I've never seen security lines like the ones I waited in at 6 am this morning. And the first flight went uneventfully, even getting me to Detroit early. But my arrival there left me with the knowledge that my flight onto Boston had been cancelled. After talking to a couple of gate agents, I was on standby for the flight at 3:20 and confirmed for a flight at 7 pm. I was getting ready to settle in with my knitting and perhaps accomplish the finishing of the scarf (the sweater needs much work, as I had to frog it and start over due to the extra stitches... the lace pattern just wasn't working out right and as hard as I tried I just couldn't get that many stitches back on the needles after ripping back.). But I was soon paged back to the gate where I was told there were so many of us trying to get to Boston, they had established a new flight and brought in a new plane. It was an international plane, so lots of room, and off we went to Boston, only an hour and half behind schedule. Had it not been for the ninety minutes I stood at the luggage carousel waiting for my bags, it would have just been an exhausting day. But that turned it into an exhausting and frustrating day.

I'm home safe though, in the winter wonderland of Massachusetts. Its been snowing for two days now, and promises to continue on tomorrow. Its been quite a few years since I had a white christmas, so I am looking forward to it. I'm planning nights of sitting by the tree with my yarn and some hot chocolate. And lots of thinking on what comes next in life. I'm thinking of looking into culinary schooling. And moving to Chicago. There are a couple of programs that I am interested in learning more about and seeing if they will work for me. The pastry chef on my tour is planning on purchasing a home, and has offered me a sublet on her apartment if her offer goes through, and its right in my price range. Its only about a 30 minute ride from Crash, and only a little over an hour from Upstaging if I were to get work doing lighting things. So, much thought must be given to that over the next few days.

Also there is much cooking to do. I'm attempting my first homemade pasta this Christmas. And completely bogarting my families meal. My brother might have a coronary, but change is good. I'm planning roasted beef tenderloin and crab stuffed shrimp, roasted green beans, and some form of starch. And hopefully dad will make some homemade bread. I'm slightly daunted by also excited about it.

My computer is off to Apple tomorrow to see what its problem is. For some reason it hates to turn on these days. I can usually convince it to do so with some shaking while holding down the power button. Not so effective in the long run, so while the warrantee is still in effect, off it goes to get tuned up. Hopefully it isn't too serious.

Happy Holidays everyone... may your days not be as crazy as mine seem to be right now.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Project Updates

I've got two projects that I am fully enjoying on my needles right now.

First the sweater....


I am loving my FLS. The yarn is beautiful, it knits up fabulously, and I think the color is perfect. I've got one repeat of the lace work done after the separation of the arms. There is one mistake that I think I fixed... but we'll see. I somehow lost count on the top part and increased one extra time, leaving me with 8 extra stitches somehow. I think I balanced them out by making a larger button band. And if I am off, the mistakes in the lace will be under my arms.

And second, the scarf....


Finally on try three I have a scarf that I love for Crash. I bought some Knit Picks Andean Silk yarn, and I decided to go with an on the bias technique. Based on the pattern for the clapotis, I started with two stitches on my needle and increased at the end of every row until I had enough width. Its knitting up really quickly, and I love how it looks. Third time is the charm on this one. I hope he likes it as much as I do. (He is all nervous about what I may have gotten him for Christmas presents.... as its not a big deal in his family, but mine fills a room with presents for each other.)

I'm off to Atlanta in just a bit. More knitting to be done on the plane. And later tonight if I don't have too much beer with my dinner. My computer is acting temperamental. It doesn't always want to turn on. Two days ago I had to shake it to get it to turn on (and trick from really old apple computers that my dad told me about as a way to jar the hard drive into motion.).

I am counting down the days until this is over. I have less than two weeks til Christmas break (I need to do some shopping!) and then only 10 days of work after that break. Its exciting to think about. Everyone is so over being out here. We are all tired of just about everything about being out here. I am going to miss certain people though. The ones that have become the real members of my road family. I am working on finding the time to have a conversation with our production/tour manager about future jobs that might allow me to switch to the production roll I'd love to have. I really need to make that happen in one of the next two show days.

But for mow, I'm off to pack up the computer and bring the bags to the lobby. And settle into the bus with my knitting.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Has any one else noticed...


... that Starbucks has a yarn theme this Christmas??

I was excited when I noticed the balls of yarn. And then I noticed they even have a cabled mug (didn't get the phone out to take that picture though.) Sometimes its the small things that you can find entertainment in, isn't it?

Friday, December 5, 2008

Back in the States

I'm back in the states. And traveling down memory lane tonight. I'm in Worcester, where I spent my four years of college and the better part of the year following college, and I'm having such flashbacks.... dinners at Ping's, nights at Cafe Dolce, the nights of the following year hanging out on the WPI side of the city, so much happened over those five years that helped me find who I am.

We play the arena here tomorrow. My parents are coming up to see the show and deliver the yarn for Crash's scarf, attempt three. Third times the charm, right? We have 7 cities left to play, including here, before our break for Christmas, and then only five more after that. I'm looking forward to the end. Although, I'm wondering what will come after this is over...

Lots has been going on in my personal life. But those are stories for another night, when I have more time to delve into them.

Knitting wise, I'm making great progress on my February Lady Sweater. I am using the Berroco Wool/Alpaca blend, and I LOVE it. It knits up fabulously and quickly, feels great in my hands, and is really sturdy. The colorway is a great camel brown with reddish and purple fibers in it. (Pictures to come soon!). I've got the sleeves separated off and am working away at the body. I've got the first lace repeat done.... how many more before the end?? I can't wait to have it done... hopefully I'll get it finished when I have my christmas break so I can show it off before tour is over. I will need to put it off to the side and work on the scarf for a bit though... hopefully that will be a really quick knit though. I do only have two and a half weeks to finish it.

And now, in the excitement of Friday night, its off to bed for me. Work is early tomorrow morning...

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Gobble Gobble

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope your days are blessed with turkey, stuffing and pie (most importantly pie!).

I am lucky enough to be about an hour from home on this stop of the tour, and am thankful I get to spend the holiday with my family. There is only one person missing... but he's getting to spend the day with his family... so its ok. (here's hoping I convince him that Christmas with presents and laughs and board games isn't as scary as it sounds though).

Hope you all have a happy day and have lots to be thankful for this season. (I'm also thankful for friends that show up and take me to yarn stores. Now I have the perfect yarn for my February Lady Sweater!)

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

I need more needles!

I'm longing to knit more. I'm waiting for yarn to get here for Crash's scarf, but I'm not going to be able to get that til a week from Saturday. And now I want a new project. I like the scarf I'm working on for me, but its not fulfilling enough. I want to cast on a sweater. But for most of the ones I want to make, I need new needles. Or yarn that is not with me on the road. (thankfully I get to fix that later on when I go home for Thanksgiving). And I'm hoping that Santa brings me the Options Needles from Knit Picks I am asking for. I may cast on for the February Lady Sweater later, as I do have the needles for that, and a yarn I think will work. That might change when I get home and look at the yarn again though. There is also another hat I'm thinking of making. We'll see what happens when I get to the yarn and see what I have. I really wish I could just hop on over to a LYS and pick up something new to work on. Alas, there is no way to get anywhere from here today. I'm stuck in the middle of Connecticut at the Mohegan Sun.

I had a great fun evening, that included way too much drinking last night and a bit of a morning hangover today. I did only lose sixteen dollars though... And managed to get most of the drinks for free. Its fun to have those nights out every now and then. To let loose and forget the stress of my working situation.

I really should gather up some stuff and pack to leave here tonight. But the motivation to do such things just isn't there. I'm thinking a Johnny Rockets burger and shake might fix that though. Or completely destroy any motivation I have. Not sure which.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Surviving Frigid Temps and Fighting a cold

I am barely surviving up here in the cold north. I've not been outside since Wednesday. And won't until tomorrow morning and I have to go to the airport. I've been fighting off something or other... a virus, a cold, I don't know. But my throat has been irritated, I'm sneezing and I'm exhausted. I think I feel better this morning... but we'll see how I feel when I get to working for a few hours.

Luckily the last few days have been really mellow and easy. We've not had full out meal times just yet, as we've been in rehearsals. Today is the first show. So, hopefully it goes smoothly. The one good thing is knowing the exact end of the day. I'll be back to my bed by 10 pm at the latest. Yes, I'm a young girl who is looking forward to being in bed as soon as she can on a Saturday night.

North Dakota seems to be very flat and very desolate. As well as very cold (I think the thermometer read 3 at one point last night... 3 Fahrenheit that is). I'm off to Wisconsin next... I don't think its much different there. Perhaps more beer though, as we are heading to Milwaukee.

I'm loving the pattern I choose for the second start of Crash's scarf. But I'm not sure on the yarn. I might have to change my choice and order something new. Have to decide that in the next day or two though. I'd love to get some good cashmerino for it... but I'm not sure I want to spend that much. Right now I'm using an alpaca, but its just not as soft or drapey as I'd like it to be. Any good ideas for a guys scarf yarn?

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Next stop, the cold north

I head back to tour tomorrow. And by back to tour, I mean I head to North Dakota. North Dakota is cold. I mean really cold right now. Its supposed to be in the high 20's tomorrow. And the high teens the following day. UGH. I don't think I have clothes warm enough for this. Especially since I lost my hat just a day after I made it. I hope whoever found it needed it more than I did.

This break has been a crazy one. I feel like I still need another week of rest. I think I tried to do too much, and it call collapsed in on me.

The time with Crash was good, but trying. I feel so comfortable with him, that I let all of my guards down and ended up becoming quite the emotional basket case while we were together. I found myself being clingy, needy and overly emotional. We ended up having a long conversation about this behavior and how damaged I am finding myself. I spent too much time in emotional abusive situations... where guys I was dating criticized my looks and killed myself confidence and where I allowed myself to be used and taken for granted. Allowing people to take advantage of my nature has been a long standing fault I have. I realized following my talk with Crash that this has been going on since high school. I want people to like me, and allow myself to be a doormat to those guys who I am attracted to. It is something I need to work on, cause for the first time I have a guy who loves me, who doesn't want to see that happen. Who wants me to live my life fully and completely, yet share a life with him. Its a huge issue I need to work on, but to know I have someone to stand with me, and help me work through it is great.

It's hard to be dealing with this issue coming back to the surface right now. I want to avoid going back to work, where I am also allowing myself to be taken advantage of. Perhaps in a different way... but I don't stand up for myself and demand things like breaks and the chance to sit down during a work day (which results in a very over tired and stressed out me, and other medical issues, including the deterioration of the knee I injured years ago). Also, I need to start seriously thinking of what is coming next for me in life. Where I am going to live? Work? Do? I have so many questions and so few answers. I think I need to be not on the road so constantly. I want to have a spot where I can cook dinner and curl up and knit and be able to have a knitting circle or reading group.

Its going to be a long few months... surviving the last 6 weeks of this tour, working on me and getting the real me out of her shell again, figuring out where I'm going and what I'm going to do when I get there, and not imploding or exploding.

Monday, November 10, 2008

I made a hat today!

I feel very accomplished right now. I made a hat today. I cast on about 12:30 and I sit here with a completed hat on my head. And its a quite cute hat if I do say so myself. It was supposed to be a beret with the Debbie Bliss Cashmerino Superchunky that I picked up this weekend in NYC. But alas, its more of just a cute hat. It didn't get to the beret shape at all. Could be that i didn't up my needle size from my 10.5s to the 13s that it called for in the body of the hat. I didn't have 13s... so I just figured I'd wing it. And I almost ran out of yarn. I had to skip the straight knitting rows in between most of the decrease rows. So, its my version of the super-simple fast and easy chunky hand-knit beret...

And check out my new hair... I added bangs and got a new color. I am still getting used to how the bangs feel on my forehead, but I love how they look. Cute, eh?

The weekend in NYC was good. I much preferred the quieter times than the loud brunch, but it was great to catch up with friends and be back in the city. I hit three yarn stores, and only bought one skein of yarn... which is now the hat. I couldn't refuse, it was on sale and matches my winter coat perfectly. I picked up a pair of ballet flats, which feel just like having slippers on my feet. The food was good, the company was better, and I've had my fill of the city for a bit.

Tomorrow I head to Boston to spend days with Crash. I'm already packed, which if you know anything about me, means I'm beyond excited for this visit. I never pack til the last minute. I'm not sure I'm liking the pattern I choose for his scarf. I'm going to give it a few more rows tonight and then make a decision on it.

How are your projects coming? Any fun changes going on in your worlds?

Thursday, November 6, 2008

ARGH!

Tonight I got out my sock to work on. I was figuring I might be able to have one sock finished before the end of the night. Unfortunately that is not the case. I have significantly less of my sock done. I got through one round and realized a stitch had been dropped. In attempting to get it back on the needle from where it sat, several rows below my needles, I lost yet another stitch.

So I pulled stitches out for a few rounds, and tried to get them all back on the needles. And failed miserably at that.

So I pulled out a few more rounds and tried again. And that didn't work either.

I went and had pumpkin cake with way too much icing, much to the amusement of my parents. And then I had an idea of taking a sewing needle and thread and running that through the stitches. So I did that, and slowly and painfully pulled stitches back onto the needles. I got what looks like all of them, yet doesn't add up to all of them. I have all of the sole stitches but am missing three of the top ones. Which I guess I will just add in on my next round. I think where it has a pattern on the top, I just knit stitches together that should have been kept separate. At least I didn't lose the hole thing... I just don't get to start the second one just yet.

I need to get better light for the room I stay in when I'm here at my parents so this doesn't happen again. Especially with the dark yarns I am using for the current projects of these socks and Crash's scarf.

Tomorrow I am off to NYC for the weekend. After I get a new hair color and cut. I'm hoping there isn't much traffic and the drive is quick and easy.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

BREAK!

Its official. I have two full weeks where I don't have to wake up at 5:25 AM.

And what did I do on my first day of not having to wake up? I woke up, wide awake, at 6:45 AM. UGH.

Ah well, its a travel day, and I'm off to the airport in just a few minutes. I fly to Chicago, where I get to spend 2 lovely hours in the airport waiting for my next flight. And then, I'm on to Boston. It will be so nice to be home for a few days and away from the stress of my job/boss.

I finished the scarf... it was a quick knit. But I seem to have issues counting to four. Especially in the bind off row. Ahh well, it still looks cool. And I really love the color combination that my friend choose. I'm going to try and block it a little bit when I get to my parents place. See if I can get a little stretch out of it, as its a touch shorter than I had hoped it would be.

I'm working out the pattern for Crash's Christmas present scarf. I'm going to see if I can make this mosaic pattern I found work for it or not. The pattern comes from a sock pattern and was established in the round, so I have to see if I can make it work or not for a back and forth knitting experience. Alas, the yarn for that got sent home in a box, so I have to wait til tonight to give that a try. I also think I'm going to purchase the pattern for the Somewhat Cowl and get that cast on while I am home for break.

I need to do some thinking about my next steps in life over the course of this break. I only have 21 work days before the conclusion of this tour. I'm not sure what I want to come next. I know that this job has made my headaches worse. I wasn't suffering from them nearly as much before I started this tour. Or even at the beginning of this tour. I need a change. But I'm not sure what that change is just yet. Is it leaving the road and finding myself a new home? Is it moving back to lights and staying here on the road? Is it a transition to something else (corporate, production)? A return to school for the cooking classes I think of taking? Hopefully answers will start arriving soon... the countdown to January 8th begins quite soon.

A collage of pictures from my journey to come,,,, I'm off for the last of the packing.

Friday, October 31, 2008

BOO!

Happy Halloween!

We are winding down to the end of this leg of my tour. Only two cities remain on the list. I'm off to St. Louis, MO in just a few hours, and then from there Green Bay, WI. I kind of feel like that Johny Cash song that they use in the Holiday Inn Commercials. I've covered the country coast to coast yet again.

Yesterday we did a big of decorating for Halloween...
and I carved a family of pumpkins. Finally added some fun to my work day. I apparently have a skill at carving, as I did all four jack-o-lanterns in less than an hour. Its a misfit family though, of leaning and slanted and oddly shaped pumpkins. The attitudes were easier to deal with too, which was nice. I have another two months of dealing with them... well, only 5 or 6 weeks of actually being on the road, but its still time of dealing with the being the odd person out and dealing with the attitudes of my boss, as there is no chance to switch to lighting at this point.

It is time to start thinking of what comes next though. Where am I living? Where will I be working? Who will I be working for? Where will I be going? Ack! Too many questions!

I get to see Crash for a night this weekend. Our schedules overlap and we are both in St. Louis on Sunday night. And in the same hotel, so we don't have to search too far to find each other. It doesn't seem real that I will get to see him. Its been 5 weeks now since we spent time together, the longest we've gone since we met without being in the same place. Things have been really good the past few days... he's making steps to get over his fears of being loved and we'll see where we end up. The first week of my break allows us 6 days of being together, and I'm definitely looking forward to that time.

I'm aiming to finish up the scarf I'm working on in the next few days. With a 2 plus hour flight today and another to get back to Boston, I should be finished before I get home for break. Next up to finish is the sock (and then cast on for the second sock and finish that... I'll need to do some mad knitting so I have those done for my Thanksgiving deadline. Then there is the scarf for Crash's Christmas present scarf to cast on, and the baby blanket which still needs 6 brown squares and 7 green squares to be made. And then I have to sew the pieces together. And I'd like to make a hat that actually fits me. Oye, so many projects! And I'd like to get started (and finished) on a sweater or two so they are finished before the warm weather is back.

Have fun with your costumes and trick or treating. I've not costume this year... but maybe the afternoon will turn one up.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

I still live...

For those of you who may be wondering, I am still alive out here in the crazy world I live in. Barely, but I am.

I've removed my stitches (yes, I removed them myself), and my thumb healed up nicely. The scar isn't even going to be too bad. It is still slightly painful when I put pressure on it, but I'm hoping there is no permanent damage.

Work continues to be long and stressful. The hours are horrible and I fear making mistakes and getting yelled at. Its even gotten to the point of having bad dreams the nights before I work. I wake up in a cold sweat and anxious for the following day. I can't wait for it to be two weeks from now and on break. I am hoping that I can make the transition to the lighting team, as one of their guys is being pulled back to the shop, but I'm not sure that will happen. I need to email the shop and make sure my name is on their radar, yet I am scared of doing that they'll offer me something else that I might have to turn down... Its a tough place to be in, having one job but wanting another, when they are both contract positions that could end at any time.

Crash and I continue to talk and see what happens. We talk as much as before, but no longer profess our love for each other. We've talked about slowing things down and making sure we have a strong foundation so that we have a successful and strong relationship. We miss each other terribly, and he continues to make me smile. I did have a huge fight with a friend over the situation though. She became angry with me because I continue to want him in my life. She attacked me personally for continuing to talk to him and not walking away. There is something there though, and I can't just give up on him and us just yet. It feels like the right thing for me, and that is what I have to go with. And I hope I'm not wrong.

I've been working on a scarf that a friend asked me to make for her.
Its been interesting, as I'm knitting it lengthwise, which leaves me with about 275 stitches on my needles. I'm working the one row scarf, yet I keep making mistakes along the way, so I guess its just a random pattern at this point. I'm hoping I have enough stitches on the needles and it ends up long enough after I block it out. The yarn she chose isn't my favorite, and I thought frogging it would destroy the integrity, so we'll see...

I spent today at the Florida Aquarium, which was a perfect way to spend a day off. It was nice to wander around in the silence and watch the fish swim around. Many of them were a bit camera shy, but I did manage to get off several good shots. But they had no penguins. Which are among my favorites.


After that, I spend the day sitting outside with my book, enjoying the wind in my face and the water being beside me. And then had dinner with a good friend... one of the few I've managed to find out here on this tour.

I'll try to post again before I leave the world of free internet... I feel so far behind and like I might have missed half of the catching up I wanted to do. But now its time for sleep... How sad that I go to bed at 9 am...

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

does anyone have any good news for me?

As KM put it the other day, my life is a country song.

Unfortunately, it seems to get sadder as the days go by. Crash and I have been texting and talking like normal. We just don't say i love you, and don't say I miss you as often. It is good to talk to him. But alas, both of us have been to the doctors in the past two days. He has bronchitis and I have 8 stitches in my thumb. I told him this morning that he needs to just accept us, cause obviously when he doesn't, we have issues. (the last time we split, he ended up in the hospital with a hole in his intestines.) I'm not counting on anything, just going day by day and talking. Who knows what will happen. My mom was funny, she told me the other day that she didn't think things were actually over when I told her about our split. So, we'll see if mom is right or not. I mentioned that I had spent a few hours sitting on the beach in San Diego and how I wished there was more time to do so, and Crash responded that we still had our vacation to look forward to. So we'll see how things work out. Day by day, moment by moment...

I also got news that a person I had been friends with while I lived in Vegas was killed over the weekend. It was 2 weeks short of his 22nd birthday. He was found with his ATV on top of him somewhere in the desert outside of Vegas. So sad that someone so young is gone from this world. He always had a smile and a good hug.

And then last night I was rushing to dry dishes at the end of the day cause the dish washers were so far behind. In my rush I ended up dragging the blade of a steak knife across my thumb, and required 8 stitches. I can't use my thumb... And am in fairly extreme pain. Its quite difficult to do the most ordinary tasks... like using a spoon. Or pressing the space bar as I try to type. And I don't even want to think about how it will affect my ability to knit. Or do all of my job.

anyone got a good joke or a happy story to share?

Friday, October 3, 2008

Days in LA

I've been in LA all week. I'm so not a fan of this city. There is something that just turned me off the first time I visited here. A gut reaction to the city. That its not for me.

I have managed to make the best of my days here. I caught up with an old college friend for dinner on Monday night. It was great to reconnect after 8 years of not having really spoken and not having seen each other. It was as comfortable as it was in those early days of college. Oddly enough, she nursed me through the days following my first heartbreak as an 18 year old girl. The heartbreak was different this time around, but the comfort was the same.

Today I caught up with KM, who has become a friend through this world of blogging. We were paired up months ago for the Hot Cocoa Swap, and have kept in touch with comments and emails. And finally met face to face today. It was like meeting an old friend. We chatted, we knitted at a cafe, and I survived driving in LA, something I said I would never do. (I also hit her recommended yarn store here and picked up yarn for a version of this sweater. I'm going to take the cable out of the front and just have it around the neck area.)

I'm slowly dealing with this issue of Crash. We've emailed a few times. He can't handle the relationship because he is stressed by being so far away from me, and caring so much about me. I don't understand that. I get such joy from the little things, counting down the days til we are together again, planning ahead to the vacation we were going to take, the incredible feeling of love I got when ever I read a text that said I love you or I miss you, our cute little sayings. I only wish he could relax and enjoy our love, rather than stress and worry about it.

I read this today and it hit me that I have to let go of it. And just be here and enjoy my life. And trust that even though I want this, perhaps it isn't the right thing, or its just not the right time. I truly hope its not the right time... but also accept that perhaps its not the right thing. Only time will tell, and I just have to trust in God and wait and see where life takes me and us. I want to think that this is unfinished, that I will get another chance. There were so many connections and chemistry that we had, and I can't believe that those aren't real and that he could want to run away from something so great. It is really hard to let go and let God. I want to change things, want to yell and scream and shake him and make him see. But I can only control me. So I'm going to keep living, and see where this road I'm on is going. And maybe he'll come to his senses.

And now I am going to curl up in bed. My alarm will go off at 5 am for another long day of work. Oh the fun, the joy.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Now the questions in my head are different ones

I don't get boys. Not at all. How can they love you, but not want to be with you? How can you be their favorite person, but at the same time be stressed about being with you? How can they look into your eyes, and then less than a week later say I can't?

I'm officially a single girl again. Broken hearted and a bit beat up too. Confused beyond all question too.

And I can't stop from tearing up. I think I'll skip falling in love again. It never ends well, it seems, well, at least for me.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Another day, another city

How time seems to be jetting by. This schedule is keeping me properly insane. And I feel like I've not had time to write and keep up with the happenings going on in my life.

So, here it is... updates...

First off, knitting. My sock is coming along.

Slowly but surely. There are mistakes in it. But just in stitches. Like I didn't line up the herringbones from the ankle portion to the foot portion. Luckily they are in a dark color, and you can't really tell at all. I love the yarn. And I love how it is fitting so far. I don't think I'll ever be able to do a knee sock, as I get so bored and just want to put the heel in NOW. So, lucky for me, I'm a fan of short socks.

It was great to have my couple of days with Crash. It turned out that the thoughts of a 24 hour bus ride to get to Denver from Seattle prompted him to join me for the couple of days and fly out. We relaxed, we wandered, and we had a great time. Definitely a much needed break. But Counting Crows were such a disappointment. I was so looking forward to seeing their show, but they really didn't do their songs any justice at all.

I did decide to stay where I am and not take the lighting gig that was offered to me. I just knew that the chance of being away for Christmas was too much for me. I'm happy with my decision. I am a bit skeptical about what comes next for me though. This tour has been extended once again, we have dates for November and December now. (luckily the day after Thanksgiving gig is close enough to home for me to spend the holiday with my family thought). I have doubts whether or not I'll still be where I am though. I've been having lots of doubts about life lately. Not quite sure why though. I really do want to get back to lighting and hope that I will have the chance to do so. But missing someone as much as I do miss C, its hard to be out here on the road. Both of us have discussed how much longer we want to be out here and apart and not knowing when we'll see each other again. I started thinking about moving to Chicago and looking at apartment options. It looks like I'll be able to afford something nice... we still have to get into the whole discussion of me moving, and living arrangements, which have been really weighing heavy on my mind lately. Need to start having that discussion. Do we live together? Do we get separate places and then spend every night together, effectively wasting money?

I have this general feeling of apprehension these past few days. Am I doing my job well enough that they'll want to keep me on? (we did lose one of our chef's for this leg cause he wasn't cutting it... what if they want to lose me?) Will I get the chance to be a lighting tech again? (obviously, I do believe that I will... but I'm just impatient for it to happen) When do I move or do I even move? (thats a huge discussion that needs to happen)

A lot of stuff is fueled by the missing of Crash after feeling so completely at home for the days we were together. I hate this feeling like a huge piece is missing when he isn't here. Part of it is fueled by the fact that my dad lost his job on Monday. I know its going to be so hard on my parents. And now I'm fearful that my job won't last.

And I'm stuck out here in a hotel outside Sacramento with no where to go to, which really sucks. I hate being stuck alone and with my thoughts. Especially on days like today, when my head is lost with my far away love and his head is lost in his thoughts.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

up and down, back and forth

At the moment, I'm in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Its kind of pretty up here. The trees are all turning yellow and there is fall in the air. I do need to pick up a fall coat though, as the mornings are decidedly chilly. Of course, I'll be in California before the month is over, and the weather will most likely warm up when I get there. So we'll see.

Its been a crazy few days. The show in Portland wasn't cancelled, and now it is cancelled. But it will cost almost 300 dollars to fly Crash to his next show in Denver, and he just had to have a route canal. So, although we may only be a few hours apart, and both have several days off, we might not get to see each other. Which is driving me crazy. I found a way to get myself to him without spending a fortune on a rental car. But finding a cheap plane fare is crazy right now. Even southwest wants $266 before taxes and fees. And he just had to have a root canal, which sucked up his discretionary cash.

In other news, I got a job offer to go back to lighting today. But it leaves me very conflicted. I was offered a position on the Radio City Christmas Spectacular tour. The problem is that I need to decide by tomorrow, leave this tour in a week, and then not get to celebrate Christmas with my family or Crash. My immediate reaction to getting the job offer was to burst into sobs. Not a good sign. It just doesn't feel like the right choice for me right now. But I'm scared that not taking it will ruin my chances of getting another tour in the future. It seems like neither answer is the right one. So, its a matter of choosing the one that is less wrong. I wish someone would just tell me what to choose. I have til Friday morning to make the choice. But at the moment I am leaning to staying where I am.

I am completely drained from all the brick walls I feel like I have run into today. And the several real obstacles I ran into over the last few days (a ice cooler closed on my head leaving a bruise beside my left eye, I stood up into a wooden box while making coffee, and I hit my head on the tv on the bus as I tried to stand up to leave today).

My sock has a heel and the start of an instep. My coworkers want me to teach them to knit. I'm still trying to figure a final pattern for Crash's scarf. Thats all the knitting news I have to offer. Hope everyone is well.

Friday, September 12, 2008

A bit lonely

I flew back to work yesterday. It was a bit odd getting on a plane on September 11th. Especially flying out of Boston... where two of the planes had originated. The day passed uneventfully and left me deposited in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada (or the middle of nowhere, essentially).

Its odd being back. It was a very low key day, where we only served a late breakfast and a lunch. A good way to ease back into things. It was a bit of an overdose to go from being home alone during the days, to surrounded by my coworkers. I had to leave the bar last night after eating as I was getting overwhelmed by so many conversations. And tonight, I'm feeling a bit lonely, and at the same time have no desire to be around anyone. I think it stems from being tired and transitioning back to work from vacation.

That and the wondering if a show is being canceled in ten days or not. If it is cancelled, I can see Crash for two days. There are rumors that it is being cancelled, but nothing has been decided yet. If it is off, we end up in the same city, and I can see his show and spend a day and a half with him, including sleeping in his arms for two nights. If it isn't, I have to wait til November 2nd to see him. Being away from him is harder than I ever imagined it could be. Especially tonight, as nothing would be as wonderful as a long hug and being wrapped in his arms and watching a movie and falling asleep. I'm trying to not get too excited about it or be too pessimistic about it either. Its hard to keep a level amount of reality, when you want something as simple as a hug so desperately. Cross your fingers, say a prayer... waiting two months for a hug just seems so impossible!

I've made some progress on the blanket. I put together some squares and realized I need to get 10 of each color. I've got 4 beige completed and 1.5 green (I'll have two done before the end of the night). So, I'm 1/4 of the way there! I want to have the pair of socks I'm working on done by Thanksgiving time. My sister in law has a rule of no shoes in the house, and what better time to show off a pair of hand knitted socks? So, thats the goal. I also picked up the fall Interweave (I'm a bit behind on picking it up) but there are so many things in there that I want to complete. When will I ever find the time?

Monday, September 8, 2008

Sunny Days...


I spent today in Newport, RI. I woke up this morning feeling down in the dumps, despite the cloudless sky outside my windows and the perfect temperature. I knew that if I sat around the house I would dwell all day on how much I missed Crash and how I wished we were in the same place. So, I grabbed my camera and headed about an hour south of my patents place to Newport, where the summer cottages of the 1920s are now considered mansions (well, they were always considered mansions, the rich just counted them as cottages cause they were the summer escapes from the city. So even though they have 8 bedrooms and ballrooms inside, they still thought of them as cottages.). I parked at a beach and got a chance to let my toes play in the water... and then I took a walk along part of the cliff walk, which skirts the area between the drop to the ocean and the cottages. It was a perfect day for strolling along and I got the chance to take some fun pictures.



After wandering there for a bit, I headed back to my car and moved to the downtown shopping area. I strolled through a few touristy shops, picked up some gelato and a cookie, and then made my way home. Definitely kept me from dwelling too much on missing Crash and wondering when we can next be together. (Luckily we are both going through this pain, and feel the same way... going crazy without access to hugs and being silly with each other and holding onto each other while we sleep).

The weekend was great, although a bit rainy. The driving on Saturday got a bit much, especially because I did three hours of driving in the rain. But we had a great dinner, and had a great time catching up. Sunday I hit a yarn store in Boston, that left me feeling very unimpressed. It couldn't hold a candle to some of the other shops I've been in. Bre did find some yarn she liked though, and now I've yet another project on the burners, as I promised to turn it into a scarf for her. I really do need to pick up my needles and get working. I've so many projects to accomplish, and I've been so less than motivated to even work on anything in over a week. As tv should be decent tonight, I think I'll cast on and get something done while I watch.

I head back out on tour as of Thursday. Part of me is looking forward to being back, part of me is just wishing that vacation would continue along. That mentality won't help me get out of debt and get a house though....

Friday, September 5, 2008

Back and counting down again...

I'm back from 4 of the best days off ever. We relaxed, we cuddled, we slept in, we did every day things but they never got boring, I met the parents and the mentors, we bonded and now we return to missing each other.

The big event of the week was meeting mom and dad. I loved Dad, but couldn't get a reading off mom. I learned a lot more about where he came from and how he grew up in the world. And fell more in love with him over the course of the few days. We shared stories of our pasts and the controlling relationships we had both experienced. We shared our fears. We learned how to talk more and more openly. We acted like an old married couple with him cleaning one room while I cleaned another (I am so in charge of emptying the fridge from now on though - there was luncheon meat in one of the drawers that he had bought before we meet... in MAY!). I am counting down the days til more days like these. Although, I have no idea when those days will be here. It might not be til Thanksgiving time. :(

Tomorrow my friend Bre arrives from NYC to spend a weekend in Boston. We're going to galavant around the city and avoid the raindrops that are promised to fall on us. And hopefully avoid any strong gusts of wind at the same time. She's never been to Boston, and its been quite a while since we had any length of time to spend together. And as we spent almost every day together for a month while we suffered through unemployment in the city, it will be nice to have some quality time to catch up and act like the crazies we are.

I've no knitting progress to report. I had no motivation to pick up my needles on the plane, so my projects lay dormant. I did come up with the idea of a pattern I want to use in Crash's scarf though. I'm thinking a half and half pattern with a cable pattern in the middle mixing the colors a bit (grey and black). Now to just get the yarn wound and get started. Oh, and find a good cable pattern.

Happy weekend everyone... Hope no one gets blown away or flooded out by Hannah.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

So I thought I had it all rearranged...

but in reality, it needed one more change. It would have cost $275 for Crash to change his flights. So, I changed mine again, and leave for Chicago tomorrow morning. If the gods of O'Hare like us though, we'll land within 10 minutes of each other, in the same terminal. As O'Hare is known for its delays though... we'll see what happens. The last time I flew out, I sat on the runway for 90 minutes before I was able to take off. I'm hoping that doesn't happen again.

I've been enjoying the chance to have a few days off and catch up on sleep. I tried to knit over the last few days, but yesterday was that day you have where you can't do anything right to save your life. I got about halfway into two different blocks for the baby blanket, and had to rip both out. I tried to tink back and fix the mistakes, but that just yielded more mistakes. I don't know why I had so much trouble counting, but alas. I am really wishing I had a swift and ball winder today, as I'd like to cast on for the xmas present scarf for Crash. I may have to just suck it up and wind the balls up myself, as its doubtful when I can make it back to NYC and use Alyssa's.

I ended my knit with a nice long trip to Borders, where hardly anything inspired me at all, but I still managed to drop $50 on books. And then silly me decided to get an ice cream on a Friday night in New England. Now if you aren't familiar with New England, everyone gets ice cream. We eat more of it here than anywhere else in the country. I had to stand in line for 20 minutes at ColdStone. It was good though. And then I watched The Bucket List. Which is a great movie. Fantastic actors, great story line. I know i have my ever growing list... SCUBA dive, sky dive, own a home, marry, have kids, see Europe (Rome, Madrid/Barcelona, Athens, the Louvre) and Asia (Tokyo again, China) and Australia/New Zealand, learn to sail a sail boat, horseback ride along the beach. What's on your list? i know mine is constantly growing and changing and being added too.

Today is packing and I think treating myself to a pedicure. I'd like to hit waterfire tonight with my camera, but I'm not sure the weather will cooperate.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Rearranging

In the last hour, i have manages to completely rearrange my life for the next two weeks. The next two cities on my tour were cancelled due to the boss man's illness. So, I fly to MA tomorrow. Much to my dismay, as I had things all orchestrated to pick up the rental car Saturday morning and drive to crash. Now I fly to Chicago, pick up the rental car and drive to Crash. Which seems just a crazy proposition, but I was so looking forward to going to see his show and seeing him, I just didn't want to wait another day.

So, tomorrow, I fly from Columbus, OH to my parents place in MA. And then Saturday morning, I fly to Chicago to drive to Cincinnati, OH and then on Sunday drive back to Chicago, by way of Fort Wayne, Indiana. (I'm meeting dad.... ACK! but at Crash's suggestion, so that makes me happy. To know that we are back on solid enough ground that he's taking me to meet a very important person (maybe the most) in his life.)

Its been a crazy hour. But life was remarkably easy to rearrange. And now I get to drive a mustang. I hope it means something good that things fell into place so easily on this change. I am so looking forward to these five days. Things are really good for us right now... slowing down and taking things one day at a time makes quite the difference. I am hopeful that these few days will allow us to grow closer and learn more about each other. I want to know all the stupid little things... like his favorite color and food and movie. And just enjoy spending time in his arms.

I've finished up two squares on the blanket. And perhaps more to be done tomorrow with travel time. Who knows how long the day will be, or even what time it will start. It will be nice to have some down time though. And a break from all the coworkers.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Oye

Have you ever had one of those days? Where you just wake up in a bad mood, and nothing you can do can make you feel better? You think the worst, you stress, you can't relax or focus? I had one today. It had its good moments... I was after all, at Fenway Park all day, with free access to roam the park as I wanted (well, except for on the grass, they yell if you walk on the grass and you aren't an outfielder). But I had a bad nights sleep, which I am now blaming on my mother, who woke me shortly after I had fallen asleep and caused me a mild panic attack, as I had just seen her hours before. It took hours to fall back to sleep again, and I think I was restless all night long.

I woke up with feelings of dread for no particular reason at all. And the one thing that would have calmed me most, Crash's voice, was absent... As he had the day from hell, I'm now finding out. And deary me, was it the day from hell. So perhaps part of my anxiety was carry over from him and all the stress he was dealing with at his gig. As my dread was mainly focused on him... in my head, it was for the wrong reasons, I'm now seeing... but, I'm a girl and I jump to conclusions. Luckily in the message I sent him, I didn't say anything that would give my insecurity away. Although I did leave a message saying I was just hoping to hear his voice cause I had been feeling odd all day, and just wanted to say hi... hopefully he's a typical guy and doesn't read too much into my words... like I would being a girl.

Its a week before the break. Before I get two weeks off. Before I spend a week with Crash. And I'm counting the days. Almost counting the hours... but not quite yet. I need the down time, the hugs, the relaxation and the sleep. And the lovin'...

Its been good being here in Boston for a few days. I'm hoping to hit my favorite spot on Sunday before i leave. But that depends on what time we have to depart for the plane. My parents are coming to see the show tomorrow night, and then we are meeting up with my aunt, uncle and cousins who all had tickets long before I found out I had the job. It will be great to see the family for a bit. As I never seem to be around whenever the family gatherings happen.

I started working on the baby blanket. I'm going with Lorna's Laces Shepherd's Worsted yarn, in a beige and a sage green color. I picked up Vouge's Stitchionary Volume 1 yesterday, and am having fun choosing what patterns to use. I'm going to do patterns in the sage color, with stockinette blocks in the beige. Or at least that is the plan right now. I've got a block and half done so far... well, a bit more than that. I'm about 10 rows from casting off on block two. I might need some thoughts on how to connect the blocks later, as this is my first blanket project. I'm excited for it.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

A week in the city

I've been in NYC for the past few days. We're playing at MSG for the week. Its great to be back here in the city, roaming around, seeing my friends. But, MSG... well that is a whole other story. The place is horrid. Old, stagehands with attitudes, so many people.... Its going to be a long few days til load out on Saturday night.

Thankfully yesterday was a day off. My first full day off since I started this mess back in mid-July, a month ago. It was perfect to wander the city and catch up with some friends. I splurged on some things for myself... got this fabulous Cole Haan purse which I fell in love with and replaced my ipod that had gotten stolen back in Omaha. For some reason it feels odd to be back here. It almost like its not home to me any more. I didn't feel the same energy I usually feel here. Could be that I just know I'm a visitor this time around.

I got to meet up with friends too. Monday night I had dinner with two of my girls... and never have I laughed so hard. We entertained the waiter but good with our stories of love lives gone astray. (and despite the issues I've had with Crash, I will take him any day over my friends troubles... ) Last night I met up with my knitters and caught a jazz concert on the river. It was so relaxing to sit there and knit and catch up with them. And I love that it feels like no time has passed when I get back together with everyone. Its so nice to have those friendships that are there and will stand the test of time. (and it was great to make some progress on my sock too. Especially cause I have to go shopping and get lots of yarn to make a baby blanket as my best friend is 5 months along and just sharing the news now.... thats not much time to make a blanket with my schedule!)

So once again its time to go off to the depths of windowless rooms and arenas. Hopefully today will be calmer than Tuesday was.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

How days change things

Three days ago I was biting back tears and fighting to not cry at work. But now I have found strength from somewhere and find myself the strong one. We've been talking, and turns out I was right on some notes. We're making progress together, taking it day by day and talking. We both agree that there is no one else in the world that compares, and that we can't imagine our lives without the other. As I pointed out, what is a relationship except friendship with mutual attraction? And if we are both fully attracted to each other, and want to be the closest of friends, we have our relationship right there. We'll just take it day by day, and one step at a time, and talk about things, and we'll make it work.

I pointed out that our differences are what make us great and that when it comes down to it, we have similar core beliefs in things. And we can build together from there. I also pointed out that we compliment each other. When one of us is weak, the other finds strength to support and encourage. We relax each other, we energize each other, we feel like home when we are together. And those have major point values... its just working by the walls that we have protecting ourselves from previous scars. Scars that run deeper than I think either of us imagined.

The ups and downs of relationships.... ain't it grand?

I promise pictures soon... I have some good shots but no time to download them. And my internet time is about to run out here.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Thank you...

You guys are the greatest. Thank you for your thoughts and hugs. Sometimes it just helps to know that people are out there supporting you.

Today was hard. I bit back tears all day, cause I had to work. I barely slept last night. We did talk once more last night and texted a bit today. But I'm not sure how this transition will work. If he feels we don't have enough in common to date and not run out of conversation, do we have enough in common to be friends? My heart physically hurt today. In a way I never knew it could. And I'm fighting the urges to not think of this as my mistake. To not beat myself up for choosing the wrong guy again. For trusting and being vulnerable. To think that he is the idiot who is giving up way to easy on us, and that just makes him not the right person for me. But that is hard too. Cause I fell in love.

Hopefully tomorrow will be easier to take. Day by day, right?

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Ice cream and kleenex

I'm in a state of confusion and pain. Crash ended our relationship this afternoon. There were so many reasons he listed off, from being afraid we are too different to make it work (religion, politics, country boy vs city girl) to not trusting me due to his over reacting to a text message last week. He thinks I deserve something better than he is, than he can give me. But its him I fell in love with... and I feel like he's tossing me aside and getting rid of our relationship and love. It hurts. And I don't understand it. I spent so long getting over D and our messed up relationship, to only be thrust back into a similar situation what seems like days after finding love. I don't understand why I fell for someone to only have them break my heart. I don't understand how we can feel so at home in each others arms and then have him not want to make this work. I don't understand how two days ago he was talking of where we would live in two years. It hurts.

In the end, I know that if it was meant to be, it will work out. And that if it wasn't, I'll move on and get over it. I fought so hard to not fall for him, but in the end I couldn't. And now I'm so hurt. I don't understand why that happens. Why did God let me fall in love to break my heart again? It doesn't add up. Especially when Crash constantly tells me he wants to prosper you not harm you... well, right now, it certainly seems like he's out to harm me.

I know he cares... he still wants to beat up D for all the pain he caused me. I know that him loving me is not something he took lightly. Part of me hopes he realizes that this is just a stress of our lives and we need to work through it. But I also don't want to hold out too much hope and be disappointed. He wants to still be in my life...

And now I must attempt to sleep, as I have to spend 16 hours at work tomorrow, starting at 6 am... UGH. Send prayers of peace and healing.... I need them.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Love makes you do crazy things

After a week of up and down and confusion and conversation, I'm waiting for him to walk through my hotel room door. And into my arms. Being together is the thing we need most right now, as we try to navigate this tricky road of horrendously long work days in distant corners of the world. The conversations were good, we learned a lot. I got a good dose of me, which was what I needed, and I feel so much more grounded. And I shocked the guys I worked with when I admitted to being an unreasonable female and realizing that I needed to, as they put it, have the flag thrown on me.

I literally jumped for joy and bounced around my room when he called and said he was in a car and on his way to me. He has driven through the night just to be here with me and spend the day together. I need to come up with a good way to thank him and show him how much he means to me. Especially cause he is one of those travel challenged individuals, who managed to get lost at least twice on his way here. Love is a wonderful and hellish thing isn't it??

More on the joys of charter jets (you don't have to put on your seatbelt or put your seat back in the upright position!) and life on tour soon. For now, I'll be in the arms of my love for the day.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Confusion

I'm having relationship issues. I misinterpreted a text message and have caused more pain that I knew I was capable of. I'm confused and a bit lost, but he needs space and time, and there is nothing I can do but give that to him, and hope that the pain I've caused heals quickly. Its a strange state of limbo to be in. Waiting, and not knowing when I'll hear again. I've never asked for prayers before, but I need them today. For strength, for healing, for guidance, for patience.

In the meantime, I'm working on re establishing me. I've been lost these past few weeks. Stuck in missing him, and forgetting me. Stuck in being on and fabulous all the time as I meet all these new people, and forgetting that I am me, and don't need to be this facade I put up when I'm in a new situation and not comfortable. Its why I enjoyed my last tour, cause i didn't worry about what people thought. This one, I'm worrying, I'm acting, and I'm not being me. I need to relax and be the me I spent so much time finding this past year.

I've no progress to report on knitting. I have no fun photos to post. I'm off to sleep now, to wake up at 530 am for another long day of work.

Monday, July 28, 2008

The big 3-0

I'm thirty. ACK! Seems so strange to say that. But, I'm ok with it. I completely freaked over 29 last year, so turning 30 this year has been easy. I'm happy with life, I am in love, I am enjoying myself, and I didn't wake up to a call that my house was broken into (yes, that happened last year... I was in Louisiana, my roommate was in Europe... it sucked, let me tell you).

So, happy birthday to me!

The road is ok. I can't say I love my job, but I do like it well enough. And I really like the people, which makes all the difference in the world. I had a good experience here in Chicago (where I've been for the last few days). I ran into some of the people from the lighting company I work for who were very confused to see me with food and not lights. I need to send an email, and hopefully, will be able to pick up some lighting stuff for when this tour is over. For now, charter jets with unlimited champagne and serving dinner will do.

I managed to arrive in Chicago just in time for the Loopy Yarns moving sale. Thanks to Alyssa for letting me know, I hightailed it over to their shop when I got here on Friday. I picked up a stash, which is now on its way home to my mothers for storage, as I didn't have any room in the suitcase for it.
The green is to make the almost cowl (I'm going with the long sleeved version for keeping warm this winter), the black and grey is to make the scarf Crash requested (which excited me... I think I even found a perfect pattern), the grey-ish looking cotton is the make the Sizzle tank (I've been lusting after that for a while now), and I'm not quite sure what to do with the camel heather. But it called to me and said make me into a sweater! And everything was 40% off. So I got all the yarn for half the price. So exciting! Now I just need to get knitting. Cause my pile of unknit yarn is way too much bigger than my pile of knit yarn.

And now to drop the luggage off and get on the bus to the airport. Happy Monday!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

I look like me

I apparently look like a Sarah. I keep getting told this as I meet more and more people. The remark is always, oh, that's easy to remember. You look like a Sarah. I guess that's good. I do like my name and all, so its fitting that it suits me.

I'm currently in Omaha, NE. I've been through a few cities now... the third show is tomorrow night. Sioux City, Iowa was a bit scary. It felt like a bit of a truck stop, rather than a town. We fly a charter jet - which will be our preferred mode of transportation on this tour - to get there. Which was a bit odd. If you ever get the chance to face the tail of the plane on a flight, don't do it. It is the oddest feeling when you take off and you feel like you are going to tumble toward the tail due to the forces of gravity acting on you. My yarn did in fact take a tumble toward the people sitting opposite me. Thankfully I was in the rear row, so it didn't roll very far away.

I've been battling a bit of insomnia lately too. Its been rough starting a new job, and although I do enjoy the people I work with, I sometimes feel like there is little importance in my job. Yes, I am needed to make sure the crew stays fed, and yes, even the star himself. But its not like the show couldn't go on without me. The speed is completely different too. I do miss lighting. Much more than I thought I would. I think that is mostly because I learned something on my last tour. I learned how to fix lights, which made me a real lighting tech. And I miss not being able to use that knowledge.

Adding to the insomnia is the lengthy discussions with Crash. We're dealing with the pains of not being able to see each other, and other issues based on religions and beliefs and our differing thoughts. Its left me feeling a bit confused. I wonder why he is so concerned with my relationship with God, and why he is concerned with how it would change if we were to end our relationship (talk about a strange conversation to have with someone the day after you start talking of planning a vacation for 6 months from now). In the end they are good conversations, and we are getting to know each other better and learning more about how each of us process thoughts and feelings and beliefs. But its so hard to have these huge conversations and be thousands of miles away from each other and not able to curl up together afterwards. I'm also dealing with the thoughts on where my own religious views stand right now; How I can be more open to a presence of God in my life, when I've grown up in a religion that makes God a bit of a distant character. I picked up a couple of interesting books to read today at this cool bookstore I found here in Omaha. We'll see what I come up with... Or if I am just entertained.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

The first few days on the job

I've managed to survive the first few days on my new job. It is so different from what I am used to. I miss the hustle and bustle of being out on the floor during a load in. I miss tossing heavy cables and lights and truss around. And my feet miss that you can sit to fix a light. You can't sit to serve dinner.

My coworkers are great, the rest of the crew are fun and I'm enjoying the chance to get to know them. And I am happy to be out here on the road. But this week has been a roller coaster of ups and downs and no time at all. I'm getting ready to head to bed, as I have another early morning tomorrow. But i felt the need to catch you all up on the happenings of my world.

The days are long out here, yet the hours aren't as long as they were before. Its the being on my feet for most of the time that I am working. There is no time to pull up a road case and just have a conversation for 15 minutes. I'm joking with people that I am taking up smoking just so I can get some 15 minute breaks to escape for a few minutes. I am getting the chance to do a bit of cooking though, which I am enjoying. And I'm sure I'll be quite happy when I get my paycheck.

I've not had a chance at all to explore St. Paul, which has been our first stop. We leave here on Monday, on a charted plane, for Souix City, Iowa. Hopefully that won't be the case in every city we visit. I'd like to see a bit of some of these places.

Aside of work, things have been stressful too. Dealing with missing someone more than you ever thought possible, while trying to start a new job is taxing. It is still another 20 days until our paths cross again, which seems like an eternity. We've both been dealing with our our personal stresses and challenges too. Adjusting to being in relationships, being away from each other, the ups of expecting happy visits, and the downs of them not playing out. We're still in that learning curve of how each other deals with and reacts to situations. He's learning that when I am expecting something, I get horribly disappointed when the plans get changed. And I'm learning that he takes things in and doesn't talk about what is on his mind. We've had some good moments as well as the learning ones... One day at a time, right?

And now, its time to curl up in bed and try to sleep. Its been hard to do on this trip so far. But, I guess it always is when you change into a new job and new routine. I'll try to have more interesting stories of my adventures. And maybe some pictures for you too...

Monday, July 14, 2008

Clapotis!

I've not posted a knitting picture in a long while. So here it is. My finished clapotis. I wove in the ends yesterday morning. And I will be taking it with me on the plane tomorrow to ward off any air conditioning chills. I love how it came out.



With some help from mom's grandfather clock. Its almost as long as the clock is tall.

a close up of the stitch pattern... the noro worked up great for this.

I've got another set of socks on the needles. And the third felted bag, as mom started wondering when she might actually get her mother's day present this past week. As that is all knit stitches on size 11 needles, I'm hoping that I can have it pulled together fairly quickly, especially with all the time I'll be spending on planes in the next few weeks.

I head off tomorrow for Neil. I'm excited to start the next tour and see what this next adventure has in store for me. I'll keep you all posted.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Disgruntled with AT&T

I tried to get an iPhone yesterday. I had been looking forward to the arrival of the new, cheaper version for weeks. Apple kept me waiting on the edge of my seat, sending emails daily for the last week. Only 3 more days til the new iPhone, only 2 more days til the new iPhone.

I left my house, drove 40 minutes to the nearest Apple store, only to find out that I was not eligible for the reduced price. Never once did any advertisement state that the new iPhone was no longer and Apple product to sell, but had become an AT&T product to sell. Current AT&T customers, who are not current iPhone users are not eligible for the reduced priced iPhone until their contract expires. I am getting penalized and not able to spend my money on a product I want because it has only been a year since I signed my first AT&T contract. 18 months need to have passed before you are eligible to do so.

Needless to say, I am a touch upset with this new policy and AT&T's failure to share this information from the beginning.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

You can't get theah from heah

Which is you can't get there from here in Maine speak. We headed off to Maine yesterday for my traditional birthday dinner with my parents. Its our tradition to go to Maine and have lobster, my all time favorite meal. Nothing beats sitting along the ocean in Maine, enjoying freshly caught and cooked lobster and smelling the salt water.

We started the day here. You can get EVERYTHING at the Kittery Trading Post, from guns and hunting equipment, to shoes and clothes, and even food. I picked up a cute pair of Keen Mary Janes for work, and a pair of cowboy boots - which I had been wanting for ages, and now that I have a cowboy in my life, it only makes sense to have the boots.

We hit a couple of the other outlets in Kittery, but the selection there isn't what it was in years past. There is this great bread bakery, When Pigs Fly, that has interesting combinations of flavors (mango pineapple pistachio bread and mexican black bean bread) as well as really great artisan versions of the classics (wheat, sourdough, etc).

From there, we headed off to Chauncy Creek Lobster Pier...


Here are my parents after enjoying their lobster dinner.

Where I ordered him....

And as you can see, I enjoyed every piece of meat he had to offer. He was, as always, quite tasty.

We made a brief stop in Portsmouth, NH on the way back home. It was fun to wander around a bit, but alas the yarn store had closed hours before I found it. We didn't get to wander as much as I had hoped either, as a downpour/thunderstorm hit and we were sent running back to the car. I want to go back there and wander a bit more and actually see all of the stores.

Today I spent doing silly errands that needed to be done. I got lost in Providence, RI trying to take care of a medical test. I ended up getting found, but lost so much time, I didn't get to go find yarn their either. I did manage to return my extra cell phone and a dress I had purchased back when I had an office job.

Tomorrow, I'm off to get an iPhone (or at least I hope to get one, but as I'm not waiting in line already, I'm not sure if the store will have any left when I make it there. I also have the eye doctor's appointment and a hair appointment to take care of. I still need to get some new luggage, as what I had won't take the beating of flying in and out of all the places I will be in the next month. And I still need some new wardrobe choices.

Oh, and the clapotis is done. Well, mostly done. I have to weave in the ends and finish dropping out some of the stitches. But the knitting part is done. Pictures tomorrow. I promise.

Monday, July 7, 2008

I got me a country boy...

I'm stuck in St. Louis, MO. At the airport. There is nothing at the airport. The bookstore is horrid. There are no other good stores to check out. But, the internet is cheap.

I spent the 4th of July Weekend in Chicago with Crash. And for those of you wondering what my country boy looks like, here we are. Although I'm not a big fan of how I look in the shot....

We had a great dinner with a couple of his friends, who were amazing. After enjoying a leisurely dinner out, we hit a county fair and fireworks display. I'm still learning how exactly to use my camera, so the fireworks pics aren't quite what I was hoping for, but it was fun playing with the camera.



On Saturday, we celebrated a friend's 30th Birthday with a surprise party and a trip to the local country bar. It was a great time, good music, lots of laughs and fun times. Most of Sunday was spent lounging around and not doing much. Which annoyed me at first, cause I was thinking here I am on vacation, essentially, I want to be doing something. Because of that, it lead to conversations, which ensured the day ended a high note.

I can't believe its only been four short weeks since this new adventure in relationships began. It really is a case of opposites attracting, as the more we talk and get to know each other, the more we realize how different we are. We've had to agree to disagree on religious matters, which could prove a difficulty in the future. I have a very unique blend of religious views, where I was raised Catholic - including catholic schooling - but believe in some tenants of Pagan belief systems, celebrate Hanukah, see the Bible as mainly a work of fiction with a basis in historical happenings, believe in reincarnation and evolutional processes, but identify with the concept that love is the most important thing. I believe in God, and Jesus as his son. I'm in this strange in between state right now though. He has a very strong belief in the Bible and all that it says. And its really hard for him to come to terms with my random hodgepodge of beliefs. Yet, part of me is in this state of questioning... as this is the second relationship I have entered into with someone who's belief system reflects this importance on the bible. I'm kind of wondering if God is trying to teach me something that I'm not quite hearing. We'll see what I come up with on that in the coming weeks. I like knowing that we talk about things and can have different opinions and not have them drive us apart. It really is the first healthy relationship I think I've ever really had.

I'm about to set to work on finishing up the clapotis. I have another 2.5 hours here in this airport and a two plus hour flight. That should be enough to get through all the decreases. I'm looking forward to getting started on the next project. Not sure which one that will be though. Either a new pair of socks or the bag I need to make for my mother.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Life can't be ordinary, can it?

Oye. Really, that is all I have to say.

Life has been crazy for the last few weeks. Starting a new relationship, ending a joy, traveling, moving, ending a relationship completely, seeing old friends, driving around, and traveling again. CRAZY I tell you, CRAZY! So much to catch up on...

Tour ended a week ago. I took a day to hang out in Portland and get a much needed massage. Jenni Jo is fabulous, and the 75 minutes I spent on her table were amazing. If you are ever in Portland, visit her at Mana Massage. She is worth every penny and you will leave feeling like a new person. I first met her last summer while on tour with Tim and Faith. She has this energy that just radiates around her. And its an energy that I can participate in now, now that I am centered in who I am and what I am doing with my life. It was great to catch up with her, enjoy some time leisurely chatting and bonding, and experience the more laid back feeling of Portland.

From there, I flew to Chicago to spend another night with my boy. Other than the mishap at the airport, where I forgot to tell him what airline I was flying in on, it was a great two days. We spent most of Sunday curled up on the couch talking and bonding. We have some very different views on things, but we were able to discuss them, and grow closer to each other. Which was an amazing feeling. It was scary at first, wondering if the differences we have will bring us closer together or drive us apart, but we talked about that part too, and it definitely did the former.

I also needed the down time to rest, as I had managed to bruise my eyes during the last day at work. I caught my cheekbone fairly hard with a piece of equipment and two days later, my eyes were bloodshot, and swollen and I looked like I was stoned. It was difficult to keep my eyes open at times, and sunlight was brutal. Only I could be the klutz to do this, right?

On Monday, I flew home to Boston to pick up my car, and then progressed to NYC on Tuesday morning to get the last of my stuff. In a matter of 2 days last week, D had decided he was giving up his apartment in the city, and gave me just days notice that I would need to fully move out on July 1. So, off I went, speeding along 95, hoping that I wouldn't get caught speeding, cause I'm sure they would have arrested me on the spot. My eyes were so swollen, I looked like I was stoned out of my mind. I made it to NYC without issue, and quickly packed up my things. And was told that I had a shitty attitude that would later be discussed. Really? hmmm... how would your attitude be if you were given three days notice you had to move? And at the same time could barely keep your eyes open? After moving the rest of the day was fabulous. I spent most of it by the pool, and then met up with the knitting girls, who I hadn't seen in forever. We talked for hours and got some knitting done as well. I crashed with Alyssa that night, which gave us extra time to bond. (I'm almost done with the clapotis.... hopefully on the plane tomorrow... I promise pics soon! Especially now that I have this new toy!)

The rest of my time in the city was great. I bought more yarn - yes I am addicted - I had a late lunch and bottle of wine at a cute place in Little Italy with a great friend, I bought a new camera - a Nikon D60... I love it! so much fun to play with, and I booked a ticket to head to Chicago for the weekend to spend it with Crash. Alas the night ended on a down note. Well, a down note that is for the best. D is officially removed from my life. I will never have to deal with him again. A week ago when I informed him of my new relationship, he was upset, as he had thought we'd get a chance to try again. Last night, he informed me I was inconsiderate, irresponsible and a cold hearted bitch. Wow... thats a change. But whatever, I told him that I no longer wanted to continue a friendship with him and wished him luck in life -- to which he attacked my phrasing and wording. Personally, I think he just wanted to have the last word in the tantrum he was throwing. i didn't stoop to his level, and I kept myself from saying all the horrid things I wanted to just spew out as retaliation for the insults he was hurling at me. But I feel stronger and better for not doing that. He's out of my life, deleted from my phone and online communications, and hopefully never to be heard from again. I feel like a giant negative energy has been removed from my surroundings.

I spent the day in holiday traffic getting home to MA, and then reorganizing boxes so as to not completely take over my mother's house. Its hard to compress my house into her house. But, for now I think it will work. I fly away in the morning to spend the 4th with Crash. It will great to be with him and enjoy Chicago for the fourth. Hopefully I've packed the toothbrush this time!

Monday, June 23, 2008

Its a new kind of adventure...

I owe you all a long post to catch up on my life. It has been a whirlwind lately. I feel like I never stop... Living this rock star life will do that to you though.

First up, the big news. I am no longer a single girl. I have a boyfriend. I have romance in my life again. Its crazy, cool, exciting and scary as all hell. Turns out the really cool addition to my lighting team, is also a really great addition to my life. We hit it off, we complement each other in so many ways, we contradict each other in so many too, that it just balances out and we fit. Its rough as hell dealing with living together, and working together and trying to find time to be together, but we're managing to make it work, and enjoying every second that we can be around each other. (and totally not thinking about that part where he goes one way for the next tour and I go the other).

Its been a long road for me to get to the place where I can do this again. I'm petrified of having my heart broken again, but he makes me laugh and smile and constantly tells me and makes me fell that I'm beautiful and special. One day at a time, and we'll see where this goes... for now, its the greatest feeling I've had in a long time, and I only hope it continues to feel that way.

I've had no time to work on my knitting or projects. I do have a long plane ride coming up, so hopefully during that I'll get the clapotis done. I'm looking to find the pattern for my next pair of socks. I'm discouraged by the ones I am working on, because I messed up the pattern yet again.

So, I'm working on getting caught up on my reading and blogging and keeping in touch with you all. I'll get it done one of these days... But there you have it, my big news... I had to share with someone!

Monday, June 16, 2008

Don't Mess With Texas!

Howdy, y'all.

Sorry, I had to. I'm in Dallas today. Well, not really Dallas, cause I can't see much from my hotel, but the address card says I'm Dallas, so we'll believe it.

Life has been crazy... I feel like its been days since I had time to catch up with myself and what has been going on in life and the world. (I don't even fool myself into thinking I might know what is going on in the world at all, for that matter... so we'll just worry about life today.)

I haven't had a day off in over a week now. After the crazy storm in Brooklyn, we had to take a day to dry out our lights and figure out what was and wasn't going to work the following morning. We turned out ok, and only lost a few fixtures. Thankfully. And I was able to get a new phone - which was a huge hassle and cost me $400. But, communication is important...

Then life got strange the next morning. I walked out to the morning bus call to find another person joining the lighting team. It seems I was the only member of our entire crew that was unaware that he was coming to join us. So I had the freak out moment of ummm... am I losing my job and no one told me about it?? Is the crew chief finally being replaced? Turns out neither of these was the case, and Crash was just brought on board to make things easier all around. I haven't quite figured out if it was to ease tension between the crew chief and I or just cause things were moving too slowly and not getting done in the time table that production wanted. Either way, he's great to have around. He has made the working conditions improve greatly for me... we get along, we joke around, he's teaching me things I need to know to improve in my job. And he offers a buffer zone between the crew chief and I, which is definitely a bonus card.

So, four shows later, and I finally get to have a day to relax and enjoy. Yesterday was Bonarroo... and man do I wish the rain hadn't kept me from getting my memory card back from Alyssa as she fled the concert in Brooklyn. It was a site that deserved lots of pictures, as no words can really describe the spectacle that is a music festival like that. I felt odd being a preppy kind of girl, surrounded by hippies. But it was great fun to wander around and experience the different culture. And made even more fun by the fact that we didn't bring in our own lights and I essentially got to have the day off.

We're into the home stretch now. 7 more shows to go. Seems unreal that I've been in so many place in the last month. I can't even begin to think about how many more I'll add to the list come fall. I'm hoping to cross a few more states off my list of place to visit (I only have 6 states left to visit before I have all 50 covered).

Its been way too hot to knit. Not to mention I've had no time. I did add a few more rows to the clapotis. But I've got three skeins left, so I'm going to make it bigger and keep going for another ball and a half or so before I decrease. Technically, I could decrease now, but bigger is better, isn't it?