Thursday, September 25, 2008

Another day, another city

How time seems to be jetting by. This schedule is keeping me properly insane. And I feel like I've not had time to write and keep up with the happenings going on in my life.

So, here it is... updates...

First off, knitting. My sock is coming along.

Slowly but surely. There are mistakes in it. But just in stitches. Like I didn't line up the herringbones from the ankle portion to the foot portion. Luckily they are in a dark color, and you can't really tell at all. I love the yarn. And I love how it is fitting so far. I don't think I'll ever be able to do a knee sock, as I get so bored and just want to put the heel in NOW. So, lucky for me, I'm a fan of short socks.

It was great to have my couple of days with Crash. It turned out that the thoughts of a 24 hour bus ride to get to Denver from Seattle prompted him to join me for the couple of days and fly out. We relaxed, we wandered, and we had a great time. Definitely a much needed break. But Counting Crows were such a disappointment. I was so looking forward to seeing their show, but they really didn't do their songs any justice at all.

I did decide to stay where I am and not take the lighting gig that was offered to me. I just knew that the chance of being away for Christmas was too much for me. I'm happy with my decision. I am a bit skeptical about what comes next for me though. This tour has been extended once again, we have dates for November and December now. (luckily the day after Thanksgiving gig is close enough to home for me to spend the holiday with my family thought). I have doubts whether or not I'll still be where I am though. I've been having lots of doubts about life lately. Not quite sure why though. I really do want to get back to lighting and hope that I will have the chance to do so. But missing someone as much as I do miss C, its hard to be out here on the road. Both of us have discussed how much longer we want to be out here and apart and not knowing when we'll see each other again. I started thinking about moving to Chicago and looking at apartment options. It looks like I'll be able to afford something nice... we still have to get into the whole discussion of me moving, and living arrangements, which have been really weighing heavy on my mind lately. Need to start having that discussion. Do we live together? Do we get separate places and then spend every night together, effectively wasting money?

I have this general feeling of apprehension these past few days. Am I doing my job well enough that they'll want to keep me on? (we did lose one of our chef's for this leg cause he wasn't cutting it... what if they want to lose me?) Will I get the chance to be a lighting tech again? (obviously, I do believe that I will... but I'm just impatient for it to happen) When do I move or do I even move? (thats a huge discussion that needs to happen)

A lot of stuff is fueled by the missing of Crash after feeling so completely at home for the days we were together. I hate this feeling like a huge piece is missing when he isn't here. Part of it is fueled by the fact that my dad lost his job on Monday. I know its going to be so hard on my parents. And now I'm fearful that my job won't last.

And I'm stuck out here in a hotel outside Sacramento with no where to go to, which really sucks. I hate being stuck alone and with my thoughts. Especially on days like today, when my head is lost with my far away love and his head is lost in his thoughts.

4 comments:

Leah said...

Hey there! First of all, I love the sock. And I know what you mean about just wanting to turn the heel already!

I went and caught up on your blog and you really are going through a lot, girl! But it sounds like having Crash in your life is a good and grounding thing. You're reminding me of the time I was living in Israel, going to school, and my now-husband was back in the states...I missed him horribly and I had to make decisions like yours...it was stressful but it all worked out in the end, and it sounds like you know how to listen to your "inner voice."

And to an outsider looking in, your life is like an old Rolling Stones "road song"--like "Moonlight Mile" or something--very romantic! Maybe it doesn't feel that way from the inside though, LOL...

km said...

Sock looks great. I like the shorter socks too.

I can't imagine all this turmoil in your head. I really feel for you...

Code Purl said...

Sorry to hear about all this craziness going on. Miss you!

Alyssa said...

Hi! The sock looks awesome and really freaking warm.

Now you and Crash. I think getting off the road and spending some real time with each other would be great for you two. I think you learn a lot about someone when you live with them (even if you have your own places and stay with each other night because that's basically the same thing). At the same time though you need to be you. Will YOU be happy off the road doing something more sedentary? Will Crash? In the end you both have to do what's right for you. Sacrifices will be made as well as compromises but in the end it will work out. And that's all you have to remember.

Now I hope that made sense because I have a throbbing migraine AGAIN! And really that could have all been absolute drivil.

Oh and want you here...just sayin hahahaha love you!