Saturday, August 30, 2008

So I thought I had it all rearranged...

but in reality, it needed one more change. It would have cost $275 for Crash to change his flights. So, I changed mine again, and leave for Chicago tomorrow morning. If the gods of O'Hare like us though, we'll land within 10 minutes of each other, in the same terminal. As O'Hare is known for its delays though... we'll see what happens. The last time I flew out, I sat on the runway for 90 minutes before I was able to take off. I'm hoping that doesn't happen again.

I've been enjoying the chance to have a few days off and catch up on sleep. I tried to knit over the last few days, but yesterday was that day you have where you can't do anything right to save your life. I got about halfway into two different blocks for the baby blanket, and had to rip both out. I tried to tink back and fix the mistakes, but that just yielded more mistakes. I don't know why I had so much trouble counting, but alas. I am really wishing I had a swift and ball winder today, as I'd like to cast on for the xmas present scarf for Crash. I may have to just suck it up and wind the balls up myself, as its doubtful when I can make it back to NYC and use Alyssa's.

I ended my knit with a nice long trip to Borders, where hardly anything inspired me at all, but I still managed to drop $50 on books. And then silly me decided to get an ice cream on a Friday night in New England. Now if you aren't familiar with New England, everyone gets ice cream. We eat more of it here than anywhere else in the country. I had to stand in line for 20 minutes at ColdStone. It was good though. And then I watched The Bucket List. Which is a great movie. Fantastic actors, great story line. I know i have my ever growing list... SCUBA dive, sky dive, own a home, marry, have kids, see Europe (Rome, Madrid/Barcelona, Athens, the Louvre) and Asia (Tokyo again, China) and Australia/New Zealand, learn to sail a sail boat, horseback ride along the beach. What's on your list? i know mine is constantly growing and changing and being added too.

Today is packing and I think treating myself to a pedicure. I'd like to hit waterfire tonight with my camera, but I'm not sure the weather will cooperate.

Monday, August 25, 2008


In the last hour, i have manages to completely rearrange my life for the next two weeks. The next two cities on my tour were cancelled due to the boss man's illness. So, I fly to MA tomorrow. Much to my dismay, as I had things all orchestrated to pick up the rental car Saturday morning and drive to crash. Now I fly to Chicago, pick up the rental car and drive to Crash. Which seems just a crazy proposition, but I was so looking forward to going to see his show and seeing him, I just didn't want to wait another day.

So, tomorrow, I fly from Columbus, OH to my parents place in MA. And then Saturday morning, I fly to Chicago to drive to Cincinnati, OH and then on Sunday drive back to Chicago, by way of Fort Wayne, Indiana. (I'm meeting dad.... ACK! but at Crash's suggestion, so that makes me happy. To know that we are back on solid enough ground that he's taking me to meet a very important person (maybe the most) in his life.)

Its been a crazy hour. But life was remarkably easy to rearrange. And now I get to drive a mustang. I hope it means something good that things fell into place so easily on this change. I am so looking forward to these five days. Things are really good for us right now... slowing down and taking things one day at a time makes quite the difference. I am hopeful that these few days will allow us to grow closer and learn more about each other. I want to know all the stupid little things... like his favorite color and food and movie. And just enjoy spending time in his arms.

I've finished up two squares on the blanket. And perhaps more to be done tomorrow with travel time. Who knows how long the day will be, or even what time it will start. It will be nice to have some down time though. And a break from all the coworkers.

Friday, August 22, 2008


Have you ever had one of those days? Where you just wake up in a bad mood, and nothing you can do can make you feel better? You think the worst, you stress, you can't relax or focus? I had one today. It had its good moments... I was after all, at Fenway Park all day, with free access to roam the park as I wanted (well, except for on the grass, they yell if you walk on the grass and you aren't an outfielder). But I had a bad nights sleep, which I am now blaming on my mother, who woke me shortly after I had fallen asleep and caused me a mild panic attack, as I had just seen her hours before. It took hours to fall back to sleep again, and I think I was restless all night long.

I woke up with feelings of dread for no particular reason at all. And the one thing that would have calmed me most, Crash's voice, was absent... As he had the day from hell, I'm now finding out. And deary me, was it the day from hell. So perhaps part of my anxiety was carry over from him and all the stress he was dealing with at his gig. As my dread was mainly focused on him... in my head, it was for the wrong reasons, I'm now seeing... but, I'm a girl and I jump to conclusions. Luckily in the message I sent him, I didn't say anything that would give my insecurity away. Although I did leave a message saying I was just hoping to hear his voice cause I had been feeling odd all day, and just wanted to say hi... hopefully he's a typical guy and doesn't read too much into my words... like I would being a girl.

Its a week before the break. Before I get two weeks off. Before I spend a week with Crash. And I'm counting the days. Almost counting the hours... but not quite yet. I need the down time, the hugs, the relaxation and the sleep. And the lovin'...

Its been good being here in Boston for a few days. I'm hoping to hit my favorite spot on Sunday before i leave. But that depends on what time we have to depart for the plane. My parents are coming to see the show tomorrow night, and then we are meeting up with my aunt, uncle and cousins who all had tickets long before I found out I had the job. It will be great to see the family for a bit. As I never seem to be around whenever the family gatherings happen.

I started working on the baby blanket. I'm going with Lorna's Laces Shepherd's Worsted yarn, in a beige and a sage green color. I picked up Vouge's Stitchionary Volume 1 yesterday, and am having fun choosing what patterns to use. I'm going to do patterns in the sage color, with stockinette blocks in the beige. Or at least that is the plan right now. I've got a block and half done so far... well, a bit more than that. I'm about 10 rows from casting off on block two. I might need some thoughts on how to connect the blocks later, as this is my first blanket project. I'm excited for it.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

A week in the city

I've been in NYC for the past few days. We're playing at MSG for the week. Its great to be back here in the city, roaming around, seeing my friends. But, MSG... well that is a whole other story. The place is horrid. Old, stagehands with attitudes, so many people.... Its going to be a long few days til load out on Saturday night.

Thankfully yesterday was a day off. My first full day off since I started this mess back in mid-July, a month ago. It was perfect to wander the city and catch up with some friends. I splurged on some things for myself... got this fabulous Cole Haan purse which I fell in love with and replaced my ipod that had gotten stolen back in Omaha. For some reason it feels odd to be back here. It almost like its not home to me any more. I didn't feel the same energy I usually feel here. Could be that I just know I'm a visitor this time around.

I got to meet up with friends too. Monday night I had dinner with two of my girls... and never have I laughed so hard. We entertained the waiter but good with our stories of love lives gone astray. (and despite the issues I've had with Crash, I will take him any day over my friends troubles... ) Last night I met up with my knitters and caught a jazz concert on the river. It was so relaxing to sit there and knit and catch up with them. And I love that it feels like no time has passed when I get back together with everyone. Its so nice to have those friendships that are there and will stand the test of time. (and it was great to make some progress on my sock too. Especially cause I have to go shopping and get lots of yarn to make a baby blanket as my best friend is 5 months along and just sharing the news now.... thats not much time to make a blanket with my schedule!)

So once again its time to go off to the depths of windowless rooms and arenas. Hopefully today will be calmer than Tuesday was.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

How days change things

Three days ago I was biting back tears and fighting to not cry at work. But now I have found strength from somewhere and find myself the strong one. We've been talking, and turns out I was right on some notes. We're making progress together, taking it day by day and talking. We both agree that there is no one else in the world that compares, and that we can't imagine our lives without the other. As I pointed out, what is a relationship except friendship with mutual attraction? And if we are both fully attracted to each other, and want to be the closest of friends, we have our relationship right there. We'll just take it day by day, and one step at a time, and talk about things, and we'll make it work.

I pointed out that our differences are what make us great and that when it comes down to it, we have similar core beliefs in things. And we can build together from there. I also pointed out that we compliment each other. When one of us is weak, the other finds strength to support and encourage. We relax each other, we energize each other, we feel like home when we are together. And those have major point values... its just working by the walls that we have protecting ourselves from previous scars. Scars that run deeper than I think either of us imagined.

The ups and downs of relationships.... ain't it grand?

I promise pictures soon... I have some good shots but no time to download them. And my internet time is about to run out here.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Thank you...

You guys are the greatest. Thank you for your thoughts and hugs. Sometimes it just helps to know that people are out there supporting you.

Today was hard. I bit back tears all day, cause I had to work. I barely slept last night. We did talk once more last night and texted a bit today. But I'm not sure how this transition will work. If he feels we don't have enough in common to date and not run out of conversation, do we have enough in common to be friends? My heart physically hurt today. In a way I never knew it could. And I'm fighting the urges to not think of this as my mistake. To not beat myself up for choosing the wrong guy again. For trusting and being vulnerable. To think that he is the idiot who is giving up way to easy on us, and that just makes him not the right person for me. But that is hard too. Cause I fell in love.

Hopefully tomorrow will be easier to take. Day by day, right?

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Ice cream and kleenex

I'm in a state of confusion and pain. Crash ended our relationship this afternoon. There were so many reasons he listed off, from being afraid we are too different to make it work (religion, politics, country boy vs city girl) to not trusting me due to his over reacting to a text message last week. He thinks I deserve something better than he is, than he can give me. But its him I fell in love with... and I feel like he's tossing me aside and getting rid of our relationship and love. It hurts. And I don't understand it. I spent so long getting over D and our messed up relationship, to only be thrust back into a similar situation what seems like days after finding love. I don't understand why I fell for someone to only have them break my heart. I don't understand how we can feel so at home in each others arms and then have him not want to make this work. I don't understand how two days ago he was talking of where we would live in two years. It hurts.

In the end, I know that if it was meant to be, it will work out. And that if it wasn't, I'll move on and get over it. I fought so hard to not fall for him, but in the end I couldn't. And now I'm so hurt. I don't understand why that happens. Why did God let me fall in love to break my heart again? It doesn't add up. Especially when Crash constantly tells me he wants to prosper you not harm you... well, right now, it certainly seems like he's out to harm me.

I know he cares... he still wants to beat up D for all the pain he caused me. I know that him loving me is not something he took lightly. Part of me hopes he realizes that this is just a stress of our lives and we need to work through it. But I also don't want to hold out too much hope and be disappointed. He wants to still be in my life...

And now I must attempt to sleep, as I have to spend 16 hours at work tomorrow, starting at 6 am... UGH. Send prayers of peace and healing.... I need them.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Love makes you do crazy things

After a week of up and down and confusion and conversation, I'm waiting for him to walk through my hotel room door. And into my arms. Being together is the thing we need most right now, as we try to navigate this tricky road of horrendously long work days in distant corners of the world. The conversations were good, we learned a lot. I got a good dose of me, which was what I needed, and I feel so much more grounded. And I shocked the guys I worked with when I admitted to being an unreasonable female and realizing that I needed to, as they put it, have the flag thrown on me.

I literally jumped for joy and bounced around my room when he called and said he was in a car and on his way to me. He has driven through the night just to be here with me and spend the day together. I need to come up with a good way to thank him and show him how much he means to me. Especially cause he is one of those travel challenged individuals, who managed to get lost at least twice on his way here. Love is a wonderful and hellish thing isn't it??

More on the joys of charter jets (you don't have to put on your seatbelt or put your seat back in the upright position!) and life on tour soon. For now, I'll be in the arms of my love for the day.

Saturday, August 2, 2008


I'm having relationship issues. I misinterpreted a text message and have caused more pain that I knew I was capable of. I'm confused and a bit lost, but he needs space and time, and there is nothing I can do but give that to him, and hope that the pain I've caused heals quickly. Its a strange state of limbo to be in. Waiting, and not knowing when I'll hear again. I've never asked for prayers before, but I need them today. For strength, for healing, for guidance, for patience.

In the meantime, I'm working on re establishing me. I've been lost these past few weeks. Stuck in missing him, and forgetting me. Stuck in being on and fabulous all the time as I meet all these new people, and forgetting that I am me, and don't need to be this facade I put up when I'm in a new situation and not comfortable. Its why I enjoyed my last tour, cause i didn't worry about what people thought. This one, I'm worrying, I'm acting, and I'm not being me. I need to relax and be the me I spent so much time finding this past year.

I've no progress to report on knitting. I have no fun photos to post. I'm off to sleep now, to wake up at 530 am for another long day of work.