Sunday, December 28, 2008

Back to work...

Tomorrow I fly to Fresno, California. I will spend a few days there, hit Vegas, Bakersfield, CA, Ontario, CA (thats California and not Canada...) and then Portland, OR. And then I am done. No more job. No more long days of serving people breakfast, lunch and dinner. No more boss that makes my life miserable. No more early mornings for a while.

I'm not ready to go back. I want days and days more of sleep. I want some of those days to include Crash. I want nothing more than to have some time to cuddle and be held. And laugh with him... we haven't been laughing much and I need more of that in my life right now. But both of us are stressed. That makes it hard to laugh, and makes it hard for us to thrive. Huh... I just realized that. Hopefully that will alleviate some of the stress we are having. I forgot how important laughing is.

I finished reading a book that had a great impact on me. I Dare You, by Joyce Meyer. I stumbled on one of her speaking programs sometime this fall, and have been reading some of her writings and listening to some of her broadcasts and ministries ever since. This book spoke to me in so many ways. I felt like she was describing the thoughts in my mind in so many of her passages. It definitely helped me through a lot of yesterday. Combined with talking a bit with Crash, crying a whole lot, and praying a whole lot. I am learning how to relax and let go and not be fearful. I think its going to be a long road, but I'm ready for the journey.

I am not however, ready to awake early for a long day of traveling to California.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Having a bad day...

I'm having a bit of a down day. I slept for 9 hours, but feel as tired as I did when I went to bed last night. I think being back here at my parents house for too long depresses me. It brings back anxieties about what I think I should be doing, not matter how hard I try to fight them. I start to feel that I'm 30, I shouldn't have to live at my parents place. I should have a place of my own, I should be married, I should have kids, I should, I should, I should.

I know I have to banish these shoulds, but somehow, when I come back here they all surface. I'm not looking forward to being back here come the end of tour. And I know this depressed state I'm in is causing stress on my relationship. I know that I want to be married, but I also know that now is not the time for that. But voicing my concern about I want it, drives something into my relationship with Crash. He says he's been thinking. His thinking scares me. Cause it seems when he thinks, we self combust for a few days. Something draws us back together, but I still have this fear that I can't let go of right now that he'll run away again. That isn't healthy for a relationship. We talked a bit this morning, but he still says there is more he wants to discuss with me. After my breakdown the other night, he said he got a bit depressed and sad cause I can't just trust and believe that God has me on the right path. I worry and question. i always have. I'm working on learning to trust and believe and have faith, but it is also hard.

In the past I would have just gone, now I question more. Especially when it comes to this move. I didn't question my move to Vegas, i didn't question my move to NYC. But for some reason, I keep questioning this move to Chicago even though an affordable apartment has been handed to me on a platter. Why is that, I wonder?

I need to find a state of peace with all that is going on. I need to let go of fear... fear of my relationship being wrong, fear of my wants being wrong, fear of making a mistake, of being in the wrong place, of doing the wrong thing. Now if only I knew how to do that. Anyone have any ideas?

Friday, December 26, 2008

Five Courses, all a success

Happy day after Christmas. I hope no one else decided to brave the mall like I did. I got the call to come pick up my computer, which is partially fixed, and spent just under an hour in the mall. I then spent over an hour trying to exit the parking garage.

Yesterdays feast was quite a success. Everything came out just as I had hoped it would and was enjoyed by the family. Recipes were requested as well, which is always a good sign. My brother survived the change in menu, and actually went back for seconds. The cheesecake was rich and creamy. The tenderloin was perfectly cooked. The only issue was the complaints when I apparently sliced the cheesecake in pieces that were too large. No one but my family would complain because I am giving them too much cheesecake.

I did have a mini breakdown last night though. Its been a tough month with missing Crash and not being able to spend the holiday with him, or to know when we will next be able to spend time together. Combined with my anxieties about moving and next steps in life, in my state of exhaustion last night, I collapsed and was awake at 3 am, second guessing everything (and crying on the phone with him). I keep listening to Crash talk about trusting God's plan for life, and then I start questioning is the planning I'm doing my plan or God's plan? Am I planning this move to Chicago because its God's plan or because its what I want to do? I guess the only real way to find out is to do it and see what happens. The opportunity to have an apartment there seems to have fallen in my lap, so there is that door that has been opened for me. Perhaps I just need to think less, and just go with it. At least that's what Crash kept saying last night...

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Christmas Cooking (and trama)

One of the things I most look forward to at Christmas time is all the cooking I get to do. Today started my kitchen adventures. I made thumbprint cookies and ginger kringles. I made chinese pork dumplings. Then I made dinner of lemon chicken and manchego risotto. And then I finished up the evening with my first batch of homemade pasta, which I turned into raviolis. Tomorrow brings cheesecake and pasta sauce, and then the big day of Christmas will be the beef tenderloin roast with sides (preceeded by the raviolis and an antipasto and followed by the cheesecake). It has been a busy day.

It has also been a bit tramatizing of a week. In my attempts to get my shopping done yesterday, I was in a car accident. I walked away, but my car limped (well, it was towed). I'm waiting to hear about how bad the damage is, hopefully I'll just have to pay the deductible and she'll be fixed when I get home from tour. I was pulling out of a parking lot, and due to the driving skills of an old lady, I didn't see the young girl coming along much too quickly on her inside and pulled out. Had the girl swerved the other way, I'd like to think she wouldn't have hit me at all, but instead she swerved into the direction I was heading, and hit my drivers front tire and door with quite a bit of force. I could barely exit my car, and certainly couldn't get back in. And her car had no visible damage at all. So, I am now at the mercy of my parents chauffering me around utnil I get my car back, as I didn't get rental coverage on my insurance policy.

All my shopping is now done though, and the only thing that remains is to wrap things up. We'll celebrate Hanukah on Christmas Eve and exchange presents then. And Christmas morning will bring bundles of things under the tree. And my tasty meal! (cross your fingers my ravioli don't explode when they go into the boiling water....)

Saturday, December 20, 2008

This crazy life I lead...

I am finally home for my Christmas break. It was quite the travel day, starting with my departure from the hotel in Salt Lake City at 5:20 AM. I've never seen security lines like the ones I waited in at 6 am this morning. And the first flight went uneventfully, even getting me to Detroit early. But my arrival there left me with the knowledge that my flight onto Boston had been cancelled. After talking to a couple of gate agents, I was on standby for the flight at 3:20 and confirmed for a flight at 7 pm. I was getting ready to settle in with my knitting and perhaps accomplish the finishing of the scarf (the sweater needs much work, as I had to frog it and start over due to the extra stitches... the lace pattern just wasn't working out right and as hard as I tried I just couldn't get that many stitches back on the needles after ripping back.). But I was soon paged back to the gate where I was told there were so many of us trying to get to Boston, they had established a new flight and brought in a new plane. It was an international plane, so lots of room, and off we went to Boston, only an hour and half behind schedule. Had it not been for the ninety minutes I stood at the luggage carousel waiting for my bags, it would have just been an exhausting day. But that turned it into an exhausting and frustrating day.

I'm home safe though, in the winter wonderland of Massachusetts. Its been snowing for two days now, and promises to continue on tomorrow. Its been quite a few years since I had a white christmas, so I am looking forward to it. I'm planning nights of sitting by the tree with my yarn and some hot chocolate. And lots of thinking on what comes next in life. I'm thinking of looking into culinary schooling. And moving to Chicago. There are a couple of programs that I am interested in learning more about and seeing if they will work for me. The pastry chef on my tour is planning on purchasing a home, and has offered me a sublet on her apartment if her offer goes through, and its right in my price range. Its only about a 30 minute ride from Crash, and only a little over an hour from Upstaging if I were to get work doing lighting things. So, much thought must be given to that over the next few days.

Also there is much cooking to do. I'm attempting my first homemade pasta this Christmas. And completely bogarting my families meal. My brother might have a coronary, but change is good. I'm planning roasted beef tenderloin and crab stuffed shrimp, roasted green beans, and some form of starch. And hopefully dad will make some homemade bread. I'm slightly daunted by also excited about it.

My computer is off to Apple tomorrow to see what its problem is. For some reason it hates to turn on these days. I can usually convince it to do so with some shaking while holding down the power button. Not so effective in the long run, so while the warrantee is still in effect, off it goes to get tuned up. Hopefully it isn't too serious.

Happy Holidays everyone... may your days not be as crazy as mine seem to be right now.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Project Updates

I've got two projects that I am fully enjoying on my needles right now.

First the sweater....

I am loving my FLS. The yarn is beautiful, it knits up fabulously, and I think the color is perfect. I've got one repeat of the lace work done after the separation of the arms. There is one mistake that I think I fixed... but we'll see. I somehow lost count on the top part and increased one extra time, leaving me with 8 extra stitches somehow. I think I balanced them out by making a larger button band. And if I am off, the mistakes in the lace will be under my arms.

And second, the scarf....

Finally on try three I have a scarf that I love for Crash. I bought some Knit Picks Andean Silk yarn, and I decided to go with an on the bias technique. Based on the pattern for the clapotis, I started with two stitches on my needle and increased at the end of every row until I had enough width. Its knitting up really quickly, and I love how it looks. Third time is the charm on this one. I hope he likes it as much as I do. (He is all nervous about what I may have gotten him for Christmas presents.... as its not a big deal in his family, but mine fills a room with presents for each other.)

I'm off to Atlanta in just a bit. More knitting to be done on the plane. And later tonight if I don't have too much beer with my dinner. My computer is acting temperamental. It doesn't always want to turn on. Two days ago I had to shake it to get it to turn on (and trick from really old apple computers that my dad told me about as a way to jar the hard drive into motion.).

I am counting down the days until this is over. I have less than two weeks til Christmas break (I need to do some shopping!) and then only 10 days of work after that break. Its exciting to think about. Everyone is so over being out here. We are all tired of just about everything about being out here. I am going to miss certain people though. The ones that have become the real members of my road family. I am working on finding the time to have a conversation with our production/tour manager about future jobs that might allow me to switch to the production roll I'd love to have. I really need to make that happen in one of the next two show days.

But for mow, I'm off to pack up the computer and bring the bags to the lobby. And settle into the bus with my knitting.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Has any one else noticed...

... that Starbucks has a yarn theme this Christmas??

I was excited when I noticed the balls of yarn. And then I noticed they even have a cabled mug (didn't get the phone out to take that picture though.) Sometimes its the small things that you can find entertainment in, isn't it?

Friday, December 5, 2008

Back in the States

I'm back in the states. And traveling down memory lane tonight. I'm in Worcester, where I spent my four years of college and the better part of the year following college, and I'm having such flashbacks.... dinners at Ping's, nights at Cafe Dolce, the nights of the following year hanging out on the WPI side of the city, so much happened over those five years that helped me find who I am.

We play the arena here tomorrow. My parents are coming up to see the show and deliver the yarn for Crash's scarf, attempt three. Third times the charm, right? We have 7 cities left to play, including here, before our break for Christmas, and then only five more after that. I'm looking forward to the end. Although, I'm wondering what will come after this is over...

Lots has been going on in my personal life. But those are stories for another night, when I have more time to delve into them.

Knitting wise, I'm making great progress on my February Lady Sweater. I am using the Berroco Wool/Alpaca blend, and I LOVE it. It knits up fabulously and quickly, feels great in my hands, and is really sturdy. The colorway is a great camel brown with reddish and purple fibers in it. (Pictures to come soon!). I've got the sleeves separated off and am working away at the body. I've got the first lace repeat done.... how many more before the end?? I can't wait to have it done... hopefully I'll get it finished when I have my christmas break so I can show it off before tour is over. I will need to put it off to the side and work on the scarf for a bit though... hopefully that will be a really quick knit though. I do only have two and a half weeks to finish it.

And now, in the excitement of Friday night, its off to bed for me. Work is early tomorrow morning...